Monday, March 03, 2008

I'm in a really bad mood

Wow – who knew that so many people loved ghost stories? I’ve always had a fascination with all things other-worldly, and stuff like that doesn’t scare me. I have had a couple of other encounters that I’ll have to post sometime soon. I really love reading other’s stories on their blogs – like PW’s stories. I like too how she posts them in segments (Black Heels to Tractor Wheels anyone??) to keep the suspense. Maybe I’ll start posting stories in segments like she does. But not today – today I would like to whine and complain for a bit. And let me apologize in advance for venting a bit – but I really need to get some stuff off of my chest.

I am typically an easy-going person, and tend to take life in stride. But lately, I’ve been feeling rather blasé about life. I hesitate to term my feelings as “depression” but I’m definitely feeling blue, and I’m not sure why. I just have a general lack of caring about things. It’s even affected my blogging – I just don’t feel like keeping up like I normally do. And I’m even ashamed to admit that it has carried over into my parenting. Yesterday I lost my temper with the girls about 100 times, and really they were just being typical kids. Their behavior definitely didn’t warrant being yelled at by mommy.

I think it has a lot to do with my husband and his job(s). Last week he worked about 80 hours, and when he wasn’t working, he was either asleep or out with friends. And really, his going out with friends doesn’t bother me all that much – some days I think I’d rather have him gone than home. But I am tired of feeling like I do everything by myself. I’m tired too of hearing him complain about his job, but being unwilling to do something about it. He’s gotten several leads lately on great jobs, but he never acts on them – and then he gets annoyed at me for asking him about them.

Now that I start thinking about it, I think a lot of my feelings are my general unhappiness with our current family situation. I really want to pull my kids out of daycare, and I don’t see a way. Bryn has been crying when I drop her off almost every day. Then, last night Gracie woke up crying – she’d had a nightmare about daycare. I almost had her calmed down and back asleep, when she suddenly realized the next day was a daycare day. She started crying again, verging on hysterical, because she didn’t want to go to daycare. I guess I’ve always taken comfort in the fact that my kids seem to like daycare. But lately they don’t like it at all. I just keep thinking that if we’d stayed in our house in Lehi, that Ben could be a stay at home dad, and my kids wouldn’t have to go somewhere they don’t want to be. (our mortgage payment was like $700 there). I don’t know if that would be a better solution or not, but since hindsight is 20/20, it seems now like what we should have done.

I would like my neighbors better too if we hadn’t moved. I’ve been in my new house for over 2 years now, and I cannot say that I have one friend in my neighborhood. And because we’ve been sick or snowed-in every Sunday for the past month, I haven’t been to church since January. And not one person has called or come by to check on us. If I thought before that I was being snubbed, there is no denying it now.

I really would put my house up for sale tomorrow if I thought it would sell, and I suppose that would serve two purposes: I could move to a new neighborhood, and I could buy something dirt cheap so that maybe we could live on one income. Maybe I should try. It wouldn’t hurt to put it up FSBO to just see what type of interest we have.

I just need to find something to pull myself out of this funk. Even running isn’t doing the trick. Ever since being sick last weekend, I just feel lethargic. I went for a long run on Saturday, and it hurt. Of course, it was the first time I’ve run outside in 4 months, and a huge storm hit while I was out (I think the temp dropped from 58 to 38 in the course of an hour). But the whole time I kept asking myself why it is that I enjoy running so much.

Maybe I need a vacation. I have a conference for work at the end of the month in Moab. Its 4 days, all expenses paid. Before I even told my work that I could go, I made sure that Ben cleared the time off at his job so that we could go as a family. His boss cleared the time off, so I went ahead and had my work pay for my registration. Well, today he called and said that his boss changed her mind – he no longer can have those days off. So now I’m stressed – my job has paid for me, so I can’t back out now. But what do I do with the girls? UGH! Why does life have to be so stressful?

12 comments:

Kristina said...

(((HUGS)))

There is just something about this time of year that seems to leave me in a funk too. I suspect it's to do with it being near the end of winter, it's been miserable for so long that you're just itching to get outside.

It sounds like you and Ben need to have a positive conversation about where you want to be in 5 years. Talk about it - don't argue about it or phrase it in terms of what you want. Figure out together where you want to be in 5 years and then figure out how to make it happen. Maybe having a plan you're both involved with will help motivate him and help you feel a little more positive.

(((HUGS)))

Stephanie F. said...

Kristina had some good advice :) I'd be really mad about his boss changing her mind about the days off too!
I praying that we move into a good neighborhood. Sometimes you just have to make your neighborhood good though, I'm sure you could find a friend, and get her to blog :)
I hope you feel happier soon!
*hugs*

Kari said...

I think we all understand what you're feeling and have 'been there, done that' before. It sounds like you and Ben aren't on the same page like Kristina said. When was the last time you did something together as a couple? As a family? And not to get too 'churchy' but are you guys doing the basics together? (reading, praying, temple, etc)
You may feel that you didn't make the right decision with your home, but as Dr. Phil always says, now you need to make it right. If you don't have any friends in the neighborhood, make the effort to be one. Bake cookies and take them to a neighbor's house, or organize a street party. If you didn't have any contact from the church last month, call your visiting teacher and talk to her, see how she's doing. Everyone has their own hill to climb, their own challenges to face each day. You're not alone, and reaching out to others is the best therapy. You made a good first step by blogging about it. :) Now go make some cookies! It will make you feel better, not only by eating them but also sharing them with others.

carrie said...

Christie....I felt so bad when I read this! It is SO hard to be in a frustrating financial situation....and it does cause so many other problems. I feel bad for Ben that he's in that kind of job situation....but I do agree with you that he should want to change it. Sometimes it's just easier to procrastinate than to really find a solution....especially when he might be a little depressed or "down" about his situation. I'm sure his ego doesn't exactly feel great about now. Maybe I'm wrong.... I can just remember when Jason and I struggled, and he would sleep a lot, when he was home. It bugged me. I didn't understand what he was probably feeling, and I would get so angry, too. That's so hard when you have to worry about your girls on top of everything else. I had to put Matthew in a daycare, which he HATED, for a short while, way back when...and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. I feel for you on that one. As for the neighborhood thing.... I know a positive attitude helps, but if I'm being real....then I'll just say that some neighborhoods just suck. Sorry, but it's true. I wish you guys could have stayed here, but you're right...hindsight is 20/20. It's a hard thing though. I promise you I understand on that one.... I have so many "what if's". Maybe things will change in your neighborhood when spring gets here...and there are more people outside, so you can talk and get to know people more. I agree with your friend about reaching out to others. I felt bad about that in our ward for a while, and I seriously had to make some big changes within myself...and I feel like I've really made some great friends now. It was hard, but so worth it. ....Who knows, maybe the best thing for you guys IS to move, so that Ben can stay home with the girls. You and Ben just need to sit down and decide what's best for you guys. You guys will work it out.... I have no doubts. I wish I would've gotten to know you better while you lived here. I did know Ben pretty well though, and I always loved how nicely he talked about you. He always talked about how great you are, and what a "cool person" you are. He loves you, and you guys will be fine. We all go thru rough patches... Some are just WAY worse than others. ha ha Your friends have given you good advice. I know I've rambled on and on here...and I'm sorry. It's late, and I can barely see what I'm writing. I'm just a little tired after my day today.... ;o) Take care of yourself, and let me know if I can do anything to help you out. We still need to reschedule our dinner, by the way! One more thing...that REALLY sucks about the trip to Moab. I'd be realy upset about that. OK...I'm really done now!! I hope you have a good day tomorrow/today!! :o)

Chelsea said...

Christie, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and you aren't feeling a lot of support from Ben. That is so hard. And FWIW, when I'm depressed it feels exactly like you described - I don't really feel sad, I just feel nothing, like I'm numb and I don't care anymore. If it lasts longer than a couple of weeks maybe you should consider talking to your doctor or a therapist.

That sucks about your neighborhood/ward. I know you've talked before about making an effort to get to know people and being rebuffed. I do think you make your own experience what it is in church, but there are wards where you can try really hard and get nowhere (we were in a ward like that a few years back.) Sounds like if you can sell your house, moving might be a great option, especially if it would help on the financial front.

For your trip, can Ben take the girls to daycare while you're gone? And maybe find a babysitter for the times when he's at work that daycare doesn't cover? It sounds like getting away for a few days would be really good for you right now!

Christie said...

Thanks girls! Y'all are so sweet to try and make me feel better after that horribly awful post. You're right though - I do make my own experience. And I think attitude is about 90% of it. I'll admit that I have a bad attitude right now. But I feel like I've tried so hard and I'm getting no where. Neither Ben nor I has a calling. We don't know who our home teachers are, and my VTs have only come 3 or 4 times in the past 2 years. I feel like I've tried to reach out to so many people in my neighborhood, and just feel like no one is interested in being my friend. I've even tried scheduling play dates, and we've had them a couple of times (where I have other people's kids over to play). But no one ever calls me back to return the favor. I'm the only mom who works, and I"m about 5 years older than everyone else. Maybe they just view me as having nothing in common or something. But several of the ladies run. They run together and even sign up for races together. I've expresssed interest to several of them that I'd love to be included, but I haven't been yet. I guess I'm just tired of trying. KWIM?

Oh - but I did get good news about our trip to Moab. Ben took his boss aside, and explained the situation. His work agreed to let him take the time off. yay! That relieves a lot of stress.

Tiburon said...

Christie - I am sorry you are in a funk! I wish I could turn that frown upside down. That is good that Ben's boss changed his mind. We should try to go to a movie or dinner or something without kiddos. Whenever you have the time :)

Lynita said...

So I was going to write some words of encouragement but it looks like everyone else has got you covered. All I can say is that I know how you feel, and I hope you can find your way out of this funk soon! Lots of Love!

Julia said...

I'm late posting my words of encouragement as well. But I totally know how you feel. I wish so bad we could move from our house. Sometimes I wish we'd stayed in the old one, but I just couldn't live in the "ex's" house.

I've been at odds with the kids lately too. I just can't seem to get on the same page that they are on and so we are constantly butting heads. I think it has to do with our being cooped up. I need summer and I need it bad.

I think the Moab trip will be a good thing. We just go back from a weekend in CA and it helped SO much.

I get depressed all the time. Yesterday I just was so frustrated with the mess of the house, my frustrating (lately) job, and never having any time to just have fun. I know attitude is much of it, but when I'm the only one trying to clean the house of course I have a bad attitude.

I hope things are better for you!

Angie said...

I was just saying to a co-worker that this winter has been dreadful and seems like the longest one ever. I don't know why that is but so many people are feeling the same way. Like you, I've been in a huge funk lately. It's funny too because I was thinking that I should start running and maybe that would be an outlet for some of this stress and "depression" that I've been experiencing. Problem is, I love to run outside and couldn't imagine running in cold temps - I don't know how you do it??

At any rate, I think everything seems so much more frustrating at the end of a long winter. I think the trip will be great for you guys and will help re-charge your batteries. Hang in there!

janae said...

Christie,
I love reading your posts and I love your honesty. It's fine for you to vent, and it's good for others too. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. So many people are feeling this way. It's been a horrible winter and I think it's affecting everyone's psycholigical well being. Hang in there. Thanks for your words.

Omgirl said...

I'm so sorry Christie. You've got a lot weighing on you. Having a husband who isn't taking the initiative you wish he was to provide for you is hard. And having your kids in daycare when you wish they were at home is hard. And having a mortgage payment that eats up a lot of your income is hard. And having all that on your mind in the grey Feb and early March is super hard! I hope spring will help lift your spirits.