Wow – who knew that so many people loved ghost stories? I’ve always had a fascination with all things other-worldly, and stuff like that doesn’t scare me. I have had a couple of other encounters that I’ll have to post sometime soon. I really love reading other’s stories on their blogs – like PW’s stories. I like too how she posts them in segments (Black Heels to Tractor Wheels anyone??) to keep the suspense. Maybe I’ll start posting stories in segments like she does. But not today – today I would like to whine and complain for a bit. And let me apologize in advance for venting a bit – but I really need to get some stuff off of my chest.
I am typically an easy-going person, and tend to take life in stride. But lately, I’ve been feeling rather blasé about life. I hesitate to term my feelings as “depression” but I’m definitely feeling blue, and I’m not sure why. I just have a general lack of caring about things. It’s even affected my blogging – I just don’t feel like keeping up like I normally do. And I’m even ashamed to admit that it has carried over into my parenting. Yesterday I lost my temper with the girls about 100 times, and really they were just being typical kids. Their behavior definitely didn’t warrant being yelled at by mommy.
I think it has a lot to do with my husband and his job(s). Last week he worked about 80 hours, and when he wasn’t working, he was either asleep or out with friends. And really, his going out with friends doesn’t bother me all that much – some days I think I’d rather have him gone than home. But I am tired of feeling like I do everything by myself. I’m tired too of hearing him complain about his job, but being unwilling to do something about it. He’s gotten several leads lately on great jobs, but he never acts on them – and then he gets annoyed at me for asking him about them.
Now that I start thinking about it, I think a lot of my feelings are my general unhappiness with our current family situation. I really want to pull my kids out of daycare, and I don’t see a way. Bryn has been crying when I drop her off almost every day. Then, last night Gracie woke up crying – she’d had a nightmare about daycare. I almost had her calmed down and back asleep, when she suddenly realized the next day was a daycare day. She started crying again, verging on hysterical, because she didn’t want to go to daycare. I guess I’ve always taken comfort in the fact that my kids seem to like daycare. But lately they don’t like it at all. I just keep thinking that if we’d stayed in our house in Lehi, that Ben could be a stay at home dad, and my kids wouldn’t have to go somewhere they don’t want to be. (our mortgage payment was like $700 there). I don’t know if that would be a better solution or not, but since hindsight is 20/20, it seems now like what we should have done.
I would like my neighbors better too if we hadn’t moved. I’ve been in my new house for over 2 years now, and I cannot say that I have one friend in my neighborhood. And because we’ve been sick or snowed-in every Sunday for the past month, I haven’t been to church since January. And not one person has called or come by to check on us. If I thought before that I was being snubbed, there is no denying it now.
I really would put my house up for sale tomorrow if I thought it would sell, and I suppose that would serve two purposes: I could move to a new neighborhood, and I could buy something dirt cheap so that maybe we could live on one income. Maybe I should try. It wouldn’t hurt to put it up FSBO to just see what type of interest we have.
I just need to find something to pull myself out of this funk. Even running isn’t doing the trick. Ever since being sick last weekend, I just feel lethargic. I went for a long run on Saturday, and it hurt. Of course, it was the first time I’ve run outside in 4 months, and a huge storm hit while I was out (I think the temp dropped from 58 to 38 in the course of an hour). But the whole time I kept asking myself why it is that I enjoy running so much.
Maybe I need a vacation. I have a conference for work at the end of the month in Moab. Its 4 days, all expenses paid. Before I even told my work that I could go, I made sure that Ben cleared the time off at his job so that we could go as a family. His boss cleared the time off, so I went ahead and had my work pay for my registration. Well, today he called and said that his boss changed her mind – he no longer can have those days off. So now I’m stressed – my job has paid for me, so I can’t back out now. But what do I do with the girls? UGH! Why does life have to be so stressful?