No good deed goes unpunished

I made the front page of the local paper today. Its really no biggie - I've been (mis)quoted before. Besides, no one really reads the local paper anyway. I was actually trying to do a coworker a favor. When the reporter called the other day, I took the call for her, as said coworker was trying to avoid a potential conflict with this issue. I didn't think it was a big deal at all.

But, apparently this has turned into a heated political issue. And I just took a call from a news channel who wanted me to do an on-camera interview. Thankfully, we have a policy that only the admin department can authorize those types of interviews. And I'm having a terribly ugly hair day.

Monday, Monday

I've got 11 minutes until I go home for the day. Today has been SUCH a Monday. Ah. I remember the days of December being a slow and quiet time around the office. Even with the slow down of the real estate market things are still crazy around the office.

And I'm so tired today (thanks to a houseguest, who deserves a whole post of their own). I tried to combat the tiredness today by drinking a ginormous diet coke - so then I spent the afternoon feeling tired and jittery (how did I live on gallons of that stuff only a few months ago?) Then I gorged on holiday treats to the tune of probably 1000 calories. I'm skipping dinner tonight and running about 5 miles. Maybe that will help?

Anyway . . .

Thanks to Julia, I now have a blog to stalk that is SO me!

Can anyone belive that this whole disjointed post took me 11 minutes? And now its time to go home.

Has it really been over a week

Wow - I've really neglected my blog lately. I haven't even been stalking blogs like normal - so if you haven't seen a comment from me lately, don't fret. I've just been taking a break. Life has been flying by a break-neck speed, and I've not had time to keep up with my blogging responsiblities. I hope to remedy that soon.

With the holidays fast approaching and a grant application to put out at work, I've had actual work to keep me busy. And at home, I've been trying to stay away from the computer. My husband was feeling neglected, or something like that. I think I've also been in a bit of a funk. I've actually started about 10 different blog entries in the past week, but have deleted them all instead of posting. Maybe I should just try and put some snippits of each in now. Hopefully my random ramblings will be coherant enough to follow along.
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Bryn is growing up! She's graduated the baby room at daycare this week, which I suppose means that she is a full-fledged toddler now - as much as I hate to admit it. Although her birthday isn't until February, she's now in the 2 year old room - full time! She even takes her nap on one of those cute little cots. She is so big and bright, and 95% of the time she's such a joy. (you can see my earlier post about her being Satan's spawn to find out what the other 5% is) She is talking so much now. Although much of what she says is still unintelligible, she's speaking in full sentences and she can count to 10. She can also sing several songs. The words may not all be right, but she's gotten the gist. She also loves her big sister, and wanted to have and do whatever G's into at the moment. Funny girl.
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I want another baby. As completely impractical as it would be for us, I want one. I'm not sure why I'm so baby hungry right now. I've almost lost all of the 75 pounds that I gained with Bryn. And really, being pregnant sucks! With both girls, I suffered from hyperemesis, and threw up almost every single day (and still gained 75 pounds!!!) Financially, we could not afford daycare for a 3rd (we can barely afford 2 right now). And 2 kids to 2 parents is perfect odds - one more kid and the parents would be completely outnumbered.

But somehow I feel like there is still one more baby out there somewhere to call me Mommy. I want to be done having babies - really I do. But I know in my heart that I'm not. (At least I think I know. Maybe there is something about having a fully functioning uterus that makes a woman never truly feel "done"). I've actually been considering having my IUD removed and just taking my chances. Odds are, we can't even get pregnant on our own anyway. But somehow, I'd feel like I was putting things into God's hands that way.

UGH - if only I could get Ben on board. What if my IUD just "accidentally" came out (is that even possible?)
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We're thinking of putting our house up for sale. I know - we've not even lived there 2 years. But there are so many reasons why I want to move:

1. The most important reason: money. We're paying so much for our house. I'm almost embarassed to admit how much, especially to anyone who has seen it, but our mortgage is about as much as Ben's paycheck (for the entire month) Of course this is post layoff, because his job sucks right now. But its still difficult to hand that amount over every month. I would like to use our equity to get into something much cheaper to lower our monthly payment. This is assuming we could actually sell our house right now.

2. I don't like my neighborhood very much. It is very cliquish (is that a word?) and I've never felt like I fit in. And in Utah, the people in your neighborhood are also the same people you go to church with. So I feel out of place there as well. So does my entire family. Ben even feels snubbed. And poor G came home from nursery on Sunday complaining that no one would play with her. Its like there's a black cloud around our family, and no one wants to associate with us. I've never had a difficult time making friends before, and G has lots of friends at school. I don't know what has happened here.

3. Our house is really nice, and for the most part I like it. But since we had it built and never walked through a house with our same floor plan, there are some aspects that I really don't like. The worst part, is that the kids bedrooms are right by the front door. Its really noisy up there. I wish their rooms were more secluded and quiet. I think I want a 2 story again.
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I didn't get any of the 3 jobs I applied for last month. At least I don't think I did - I haven't actually heard back, which I'm pretty sure by now means I didn't get them. Oh well. I'm sure if I'm meant to change jobs, it will happen. Besides, I don't know that I want to give up my Fridays off. I would have to get one good job offer to even consider moving.

I just wish that either Ben or I could make more $$$$. We're so strapped right now. I keep waiting for something to happen for us to make more money, but I'm not seeing it. And all sorts of unexpected bills keep piling up: our property taxes went up by $1100 last year, our car got hit by some unknown person, and now our basement has water in it (our shower is leaking). Nice. Some days I want to just give up. It is so frustrating to feel like I'm working so hard, but we keep falling further and further behind (this goes back to why I want to sell our house).

UGH. See why I haven't been posting? It just turns into a pity-me party. I'd better get back to work. Maybe tonight I'll post the picks of our annual gingerbread house making party.

Last minute jitters?

I've got a job interview tomorrow, and I'm trying to talk myself out of it. For some reason I just "feel" like I shouldn't go. It is about a 3 hour drive. I'll take the girls to daycare, run to the interview, and be home in time to pick them up again. Bryn is still sick - in fact she's got a fever right now. So maybe my hesitation is going so far away when my sweet girl is sick. There really isn't anyone else to watch her, and I do worry a bit if she needs to go home during the day.

I do think too that part of it is that the job is a stretch - I'm really not fully qualified. I applied anyway because it would be a great opportunity though. Maybe I just feel like I'm wasting my time.

Oh well - I'll still probably go

Job interview

I had a job interview today. It was for a position that I applied for almost 3 months ago - right after Ben lost his job. My initial motivation in applying for the job was to find something that payed enough for Ben to be able to stay at home with the girls. I honestly went into the interview not expecting much. A developer friend told me last week that this was the worst City he works with. I actually contemplated cancelling the interview.

But I was pleasantly suprised. I really felt at east during the interview, and liked the panel of interviewers. It seemed like a great place to work. I found myself leaving the interview hoping that I would get an offer.

Then I got back to my current job. There has been lots of political turmoil lately, and today was an especially bad day. I've always been happy working there, but today I considered the fact that my position there may be short-lived. And it didn't seem so bad. I know the grass isn't always greener, but it did seem nice today.

Ben is still sick too. He has to go back to work tomorrow, because he's been taking time off without pay. His "job" right now sucks, and I don't think he'd be too disappointed to have to leave.

Dear "anonymous"

In response to the blog entry I wrote last week about taking a day off, someone left the following comment:

You're always talking about wanting to be a stay at home mom, and how you want more time with your kids. But you sure jumped at the chance to send them off to daycare and stay home alone!

This comment bothered me so much, that I feel compelled to defend myself. First and foremost, I do love my children. And, given the choice I would want to be a stay at home mom. They are definitely the most important thing to me. I do feel guilty though that my kids have to go to daycare. In fact, when I'm not at work I'm with them about 99% of the time. They have never had a babysitter, other than the occasional time that Grandma watches them. But those times are not very often.

I also try and spend as quality one-on-one time with my kids as much as possible. I read to them every day. I also try to teach them something new every day. My girls love to color, so we also try to have creative time. We sing and dance while we make dinner and do chores so that they are having fun. I feed my kids healthy meals, and make sure they're getting physical activity on a daily basis. I actually think I'm a great mom, and my children are very kind, well-behaved (as much as a 1 and 3-year old can be), intelligent, and well-adjusted.

That being said, I am human. And right now, I am under an inordinate amount of stress. There's so much to do that I'm averaging 5 hours of sleep per night. I'm the primary bread-winner right now, which is a huge burden. I'm also the only one who does any cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. around the house. I am the primary care-giver. My husband does help out with the kids, but a good portion of their care also falls upon me. I do all of the budgeting and finances. I do all of the grocery shopping and meal planning. And I'm sure I could add about 20 other things to this list, but I think you get the point. There just isn't enough time in the day to get done all the things that I need to do.

I'm not trying to create a pity-party for myself, nor am I trying to say that I'm any busier or any better than the next person. What I am trying to say is that I am just about stretched as far as I can go, and some days the stress is almost more than I can handle.

I suppose I have been selfish lately though, because I do try to run or do some other form of physical exercise every day. I see this as "my time", and its something I cherish. Usually it means either working out on my lunch break from work, exercising after everyone else has gone to bed, or getting up at 4:15 am to fit it all in. The only real sacrifice has been my own sleep, although daddy has helped out occasionally when I've needed to fit a long run in.

But I'm exhausted - physically and emotionally. So, last week when I took my kids to daycare so I could have a "me" day, it really was something I needed. I needed to have some alone time, and not have to focus on the 1 million things that needed my attention. I needed to take a bath and a nap. I just needed a break from my life for a few hours. Is that too much to ask?

I don't feel guilty. Not one bit. This is the first time in my life that I have ever taken my kids to daycare to just go home and do something by myself. Before you judge me, please take the time to understand who I am. I do not work because I want to - I work because I have to. Maybe sometimes I act like I want to work (and honestly I do like my job so it isn't all bad). But I do not have the luxury of being married to a man who can support his family. In the 6 years that I've been married to him, he's held 9 different jobs. Sometimes I focus on the positive (like thinking that I choose to work) instead of wallowing in my own self-pity for the fact that I simply cannot be what I truly want to be - a stay at home mommy.

Just another day at the office

This morning when G woke up, she asked me what today is - just like she does every day. I told her that it is Tuesday - daycare day - then she proceeded to melt into the floor in a puddle of sobs. She's never behaved this way before, so I was obviously concerned about what brought upon this overly dramatic reaction. I asked her why she didn't want to go to daycare.

Her resonse was priceless. Something like "I got a new teacher Miss A and then H didn't want to play with me 'cause she wanted to play with B instead and when I asked if they would play with me they just said 'na na na na na' and laughed and ran away and so I cried and then I got bit by a dragon on my finger but don't tell anyone because that is our secret"

I was heartbroken. As difficult as leaving my kids in daycare is for me, I've always found solace in the fact that they seemed to enjoy it there. This was the first I'd heard of them not wanting to go - but it did explain why yesterday when I picked the girls up, G had spent the day telling everyone that this was her last day at daycare.

I would have given anything to take the day off, and spend it spoiling my girls. In fact, not to long ago I would have done just that. But given the fact that I've taken 5 days off in the past 2 weeks due to sick children, and that I have a big presentation to prepare, I needed to be at work. Daddy had a job interview too, so he couldn't stay home all day either. The girls needed to go to daycare.

But I made a deal with G: I told her that if she would be a big girl and go to daycare with her sister, I would pick her up when the babies went upstairs at 8:00 am. I told her that Bryn would cry if G wasn't there to make her feel good, so she just needed to wait until Bryn went up to the baby room, and then she could come spend some time with me at my office.

I left the office at exactly 8:00 and was at daycare at 8:04. G was standing at the gate crying for me. I heard her asking why her mommy wasn't there yet. When she saw me, her face lightened up, and she stopped crying. I took her back to work with me, where she sat at the other side of my desk. She drew pictures while I made slides for a presentation. I have 2 waterbottles that I fill up at the cooler every day, and I took her to fill a bottle. One of my coworkers gave her some candy, and she was in heaven.

Here's the happy girl and her candy.
Showing me her red tongue (why do kids love to do this?)
After she was finished drawing, she had to redecorate my office. This is the "shrine" that she organized. I wish the camera picked up her pictures better. She's starting to draw pictures that actually resemble something, and she drew the cutest picture of daddy - complete with his spikey hair.

After about an hour and a half, she was ready to go back to daycare. She happily went in and sat down next to H was they were reading a story. She doesn't know it yet, but after naps, Daddy is coming to pick her up and take her to the park.

**Note in my picture the lovely decor of my office. Yes - I do have my own big office with a desk and a door that shuts. And I have my own big window that looks out to the street right at tire level to all the passing cars. And the carpet is orange. The walls are orange. The wood trim is orange (see the theme). It really is sick in here. But the door shuts.

Working mommies need love too

Has anyone ever read my blog and found it strange that my blog title alludes to the fact that I work full-time outside of the home, yet I rarely talk about work. I suppose that my intention has always been to talk about work - in fact I mostly blog from work. But work is boring - plain and simple. Despite the fact that I work with big-name developers, world-renowned starchitects, and even find myself (mis)quoted in the paper on occasion, my two beautiful girls are way more interesting to spend my precious blogging time talking about. And I like them more.

It is a difficult thing though, to balance being a career woman and a mommy. Especially to be good at both. Most days, I find myself being rather mediocre at both as I struggle to find the balance. If anyone out there has found a way to be a good mommy and career woman, please pass along the secret. Because I surely don't know what it is.

This week has been especially difficult. On Monday night, Bryn had the early signs of a stomach bug. By Tuesday morning, she'd had several yucky diapers and was acting grumpy. I knew she felt sick, but I had a busy day at work and I felt like I needed to be there. So, I took her sick to daycare. She lasted through lunch time, but by about 1:00 daycare called. We stayed home the rest of Tuesday and all of Wednesday. I ended up missing 2 important meetings, a community open house, and a big press release about an exciting new project. Instead, I stayed home to change yucky diapers and hold my grumpy girl while we watched princess movies. Through it all, I felt like I was where I should be - but all day yesterday, I couldn't shake that guilty feeling that I was letting my coworkers down.

Some days I long to stay at home. I feel like I'm missing out on so much of my little girls' lives. They repeat words that I've never said to them, and know things that I've never taught them. It is difficult not to feel a little guilty that I work. It seems that society still tends to look down upon working mommies. Most of my friends and neighbors are stay at home moms, and sometimes I feel left out. I don't get to go to play groups during the day or to meet up at the park with other moms. But when I really think about it, working keeps me sane. Besides, I don't really have the option or choice to stay home. At least right now.

Its really not all bad though. I do like my job (most days) and like feeling like I'm making a financial contribution to the family. Besides,
the girls love their teachers and friends at daycare, and are both very social. I think that daycare is good for them because it gives them the chance to be around so many different people. They really do get bored with me when we stay home. All day yesterday, G kept asking if we could go somewhere - anywhere out of the house. They are learning good things at daycare too. G is in a preschool program there, and is learning things like Spanish and sign language. She also knows what letter each of her friends' names start with.

I do think that I'm doing the best that I can. I am providing financial stability and insurance benefits to our family that we wouldn't have otherwise. My girls also see the example of a strong and intelligent woman. And I think that I'm still a great mommy. I only work 4 days a week, so on Friday its girls' day. We have a pancake breakfast, go to gymnastics, read lots of stories, and have fun. Every single day, we eat dinner as a family, and then spend time together in the evenings. On the weekends, we always do an outing with Daddy. So, I still spend lots of quality time with my girls, and they know that they're loved. I hug and tickle them every day, and tell them I love them before bed.

Being a mom is difficult, whether its a stay at home mommy or one who works. We all have our challenges and issues that we have to learn to deal with. I've made the decision to work, and I feel its what is best for our family right now.