Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Has it really been over a week

Wow - I've really neglected my blog lately. I haven't even been stalking blogs like normal - so if you haven't seen a comment from me lately, don't fret. I've just been taking a break. Life has been flying by a break-neck speed, and I've not had time to keep up with my blogging responsiblities. I hope to remedy that soon.

With the holidays fast approaching and a grant application to put out at work, I've had actual work to keep me busy. And at home, I've been trying to stay away from the computer. My husband was feeling neglected, or something like that. I think I've also been in a bit of a funk. I've actually started about 10 different blog entries in the past week, but have deleted them all instead of posting. Maybe I should just try and put some snippits of each in now. Hopefully my random ramblings will be coherant enough to follow along.
Bryn is growing up! She's graduated the baby room at daycare this week, which I suppose means that she is a full-fledged toddler now - as much as I hate to admit it. Although her birthday isn't until February, she's now in the 2 year old room - full time! She even takes her nap on one of those cute little cots. She is so big and bright, and 95% of the time she's such a joy. (you can see my earlier post about her being Satan's spawn to find out what the other 5% is) She is talking so much now. Although much of what she says is still unintelligible, she's speaking in full sentences and she can count to 10. She can also sing several songs. The words may not all be right, but she's gotten the gist. She also loves her big sister, and wanted to have and do whatever G's into at the moment. Funny girl.
I want another baby. As completely impractical as it would be for us, I want one. I'm not sure why I'm so baby hungry right now. I've almost lost all of the 75 pounds that I gained with Bryn. And really, being pregnant sucks! With both girls, I suffered from hyperemesis, and threw up almost every single day (and still gained 75 pounds!!!) Financially, we could not afford daycare for a 3rd (we can barely afford 2 right now). And 2 kids to 2 parents is perfect odds - one more kid and the parents would be completely outnumbered.

But somehow I feel like there is still one more baby out there somewhere to call me Mommy. I want to be done having babies - really I do. But I know in my heart that I'm not. (At least I think I know. Maybe there is something about having a fully functioning uterus that makes a woman never truly feel "done"). I've actually been considering having my IUD removed and just taking my chances. Odds are, we can't even get pregnant on our own anyway. But somehow, I'd feel like I was putting things into God's hands that way.

UGH - if only I could get Ben on board. What if my IUD just "accidentally" came out (is that even possible?)
We're thinking of putting our house up for sale. I know - we've not even lived there 2 years. But there are so many reasons why I want to move:

1. The most important reason: money. We're paying so much for our house. I'm almost embarassed to admit how much, especially to anyone who has seen it, but our mortgage is about as much as Ben's paycheck (for the entire month) Of course this is post layoff, because his job sucks right now. But its still difficult to hand that amount over every month. I would like to use our equity to get into something much cheaper to lower our monthly payment. This is assuming we could actually sell our house right now.

2. I don't like my neighborhood very much. It is very cliquish (is that a word?) and I've never felt like I fit in. And in Utah, the people in your neighborhood are also the same people you go to church with. So I feel out of place there as well. So does my entire family. Ben even feels snubbed. And poor G came home from nursery on Sunday complaining that no one would play with her. Its like there's a black cloud around our family, and no one wants to associate with us. I've never had a difficult time making friends before, and G has lots of friends at school. I don't know what has happened here.

3. Our house is really nice, and for the most part I like it. But since we had it built and never walked through a house with our same floor plan, there are some aspects that I really don't like. The worst part, is that the kids bedrooms are right by the front door. Its really noisy up there. I wish their rooms were more secluded and quiet. I think I want a 2 story again.
I didn't get any of the 3 jobs I applied for last month. At least I don't think I did - I haven't actually heard back, which I'm pretty sure by now means I didn't get them. Oh well. I'm sure if I'm meant to change jobs, it will happen. Besides, I don't know that I want to give up my Fridays off. I would have to get one good job offer to even consider moving.

I just wish that either Ben or I could make more $$$$. We're so strapped right now. I keep waiting for something to happen for us to make more money, but I'm not seeing it. And all sorts of unexpected bills keep piling up: our property taxes went up by $1100 last year, our car got hit by some unknown person, and now our basement has water in it (our shower is leaking). Nice. Some days I want to just give up. It is so frustrating to feel like I'm working so hard, but we keep falling further and further behind (this goes back to why I want to sell our house).

UGH. See why I haven't been posting? It just turns into a pity-me party. I'd better get back to work. Maybe tonight I'll post the picks of our annual gingerbread house making party.


Julia said...

Hi again. Hope you don't mind if I snoop your blog now and then. I just feel like I relate to a lot of what you are feeling. I totally want another baby and the husband says "Not right now" and it really is impractical for us too. I just want to be done having kids too, but I know there is one more baby for me. On the other side, don't you love IUDs?

I'd love to move too. Our house payment stinks! I know your pain there. With the market like it is though, we probably couldn't even sell it for a decent price and husband says no to that too.

You don't sound like a pity party to me. You are just dealing with life and sometimes it's really hard. I haven't posted for awhile because I'm feeling that same funk. Good luck with things though.

Sara L said...

I hear you on the baby thing. I would love to have another baby, but it just is not in the cards right now. Money being the major factor. It's just a shame.

As far as a move is concerned. That's always a hard decision. I would hate to live in a place where I felt like an outsider.

I would have a pity party if I were you to.

The Gatherum Family said...

Come move to my neighborhood. I love it here and you'd feel welcome immediately! :) I am sorry things are sucking right now, it seems that with life when it rains it pours. And you know what? This is YOUR blog so pity party away, that's what I think. If you can't throw yourself a pity party on your own blog, where can you throw yourself one??? Hope things start looking up for you...:)