If the walls had ears part 3

Bryn (while wearing a Santa hat): Ho ho ho. I have a long white beard and a penis.
G: That is NOT appropriate! Santa is watching.

G: I think the temple is where God's daddy lives.

Bryn: Look everybody! Look at my penis.
(?????? she likes to put toys in her panties so she has a "bulge")

Bryn: I only eat my boogers sometimes.
(we've made progress)

G (while looking at me after a run): You look cold Mommy
Me: I do? What makes you say that?
G: Its your boobies. They look like you're really cold.
(yes - she did mean what you're thinking. And no - I do NOT know where she learned that one!)

Bryn: Does Jesus have a penis?
(clearly this girl has a one-track mind)

And, for my very favorite comment ever, what Bryn said to Daddy when he took her potty inside the men's restroom:

Bryn: Look Daddy! That man has a penis just like yours! Only yours is bigger!

April fool

My girls learned about April Fool's Day yesterday at daycare. They came home armed with plans to fool me (their not-so-gullible mommy). G was so excited though, that she couldn't wait to pull her prank. While in the bath, we had the following conversation:

G: Mommy, do you know what today is.

.
Me: Yes I do sweetie, it is April Fool's Day.

G: I am going to trick you tonight.

Me: You are? What are you going to do?

G: After we get in bed, I am going to pretend like I forgot to brush my teeth.

Me: Wow! You would get me good with that one!

I then decided to take the opportunity to school my kids on how to trick someone.

Me: Oh my gosh you guys! Check out that giant spider on the wall! (I said, while pointing at the bathroom wall)

They both turned and looked excitedly (they love bugs).

Me: Haha!! April Fool's.

They caught on immediately, trying to fool one another. They quickly grew tired though (thankfully) and went on to other things.

Quite awile later, Bryn excitedly told me, "mommy! You have blue hair!"

Me: I do??

Bryn: Just kidding! April 30th.

(April 30th is G's birthday)

Everything I need to know I learned from motivational posters

We all have something that someone else wants

Make no little plans
Sharting isn't cool

Always flush

Spiders are really scary

Don't ever make eye contact

Blogging is a great way to show our individuality

Not every answer is found in Google

That milk campaign is all bunk

Mullets are sexy

Everyone is beautiful in their own way

Don't judge

Little Suzie wants to grow up to be just like her mommy - who works at Home Depot. Here is a picture of her selling a shovel. What were you thinking?

There is a life lesson here people - don't go off of first impressions.

More kid funnies

Sometimes I wonder what I did for entertainment before I had kids. Their little minds come up with the funniest stuff. Take for example, the following conversation I overheard the other day between G and her older, school-aged friend as they were coloring Hello Kitty pictures:

Friend: I met a real cheerleader at school today
G: Wow. Why did they come to your school?
Friend: They were teaching us about the D.A.R.E program
G: What is D.A.R.E?
Friend: Its where they teach us to just say "NO" to drunk

There was also the story Bryn told our friends who came over to hang out on the same night:

Bryn: Mommy told me I'm not allowed to ride my bike in the road anymore. A car could hit me and I'd be a pancake. A yummy pancake. Can I have a cheeseburger?

Stranger danger

I decided the other day, that the girls needed a lesson in what to do if they were ever approached by a stranger. They were sitting at the bar coloring while I made lunch, and I decided to quiz them on what to do. Since she was older, G was up first. Our conversation went like this:

Mommy: So G, what do you say if a stranger comes up and offers you candy?
G: I say no! Then I run away and tell a grown-up that I trust.

Clearly, she's had this lesson before.

Next up was Bryn. Our conversation went like this:

Mommy: So Bryn, what do you say if a stranger comes up and offers you candy?
Bryn: I say yummy candy! Thanks! (with a giant grin on her face. I think she was expecting real candy)

Obviously, we need to work on her.

Would you eat here?

You're wandering down a crowded street in downtown Taipai, feeling a bit hungry, and looking for a place to eat. Suddenly this place catches your eye:
Hmmmm - the Modern Toilet. Sounds interesting, and you're really hungry so you decide to go inside.
But where to sit? Should you choose the regular old toilet seat, or should you try a urinal? Decisions, decisions.
Let's sit here - it looks fairly sanitary.
Oh good - here's lunch. Looks delicious sitting in a tiny toilet bowl.

Yummy!
This is delicious.
Now for dessert. And what else, but a big pile of poop. You can hardly wait to try it.
But first, you may want to make sure it really is poo.
Oh - that's good.

Why I wish I'd become a teacher

Grading papers looks like fun:
(I retyped the stuff that may be illegible.)

Reads: q: Explain why phosphorus trichlorice (PCl3) is polar.

a: God made it that way.

No. There is an elephant in the way.

q: The water of the earth's oceans stores lots of heat. An engineer designed an ocea liner that would extract heat from the ocean's water at (some formula) and reject heat to the atmosphere at (another formula). He thought he had a good idea, but his boss fired him. Explain.

a: Because he slept with his boss' wife.
q: Sea salt is commercial obtained from sea water by the process of evaporation and crystalization. The main component of sea salt is sodium chloride. W hat type of attractive force or bond holds the sodium ions together in a crystal of sodium chloride?

a: James Bond

Yep. Shoulda been a teacher!

First kiss

Brynlee and G came home from daycare yesterday, excited because Brynlee had a very good day. Apparently she has a 3-year-old boyfriend - an older man! In the bath last night, she confessed to me that he had kissed her. I think she blushed a little bit.

Then, G piped in with the "real story":

"She's telling you right mommy. Frank* grabbed Brynlee and kissed her. And then he SNEEZED all over her cheek."

Ah, true love.

*Names have been changed to protected the snot-nosed little kid who thinks he can defile my sweet baby.

Busted!

Let's just move on past that pity party, maybe to a funny story . . .

Last week, daycare announced that they were going to donate all the lost and found items at the end of the week, and they set things out so that we parents could go through it to retrieve lost items. There was literally a mountain of stuff, mostly clothes, to dig through. Three different times I dug through the pile, hoping to find the pants, shirt, 100s of pairs of socks, panties, swim suits, and towels that we have lost there. (and yes, I do label everything, but somehow it disappears, hence the reason we only take grubbies there now) I was completely unsuccessful in finding even one of my missing items. The mountain had dwindled quite a bit, but there were still lots of items.

On the day before the donation was to take place, I made one more attempt to find anything that belonged to us. Again, I was unsuccessful. There were lots of towels in the pile; however none were mine. But I figured since it was all going to be donated the next day anyway, that I would simply replace my 2 lost towels with 2 others. I picked out 2 from the pile that I thought the girls would like - one had Hawaiian flowers and the other was a Dora the Explorer towel. Both were also labeled with names of kids who no longer attended daycare. So I knew I wasn't taking away something that someone else would miss. I put the towels in the back of the car and headed to work.

That night when I picked the girls up, Gracelin looked into the back of the car and saw the Dora towel. I don't know what made her look back there - somehow she has radar for that sort of stuff. Kind of like when she found the bike I'd carefully hidden in the garage for her 3rd birthday. She just loves new stuff (my little diva) and when she saw that Dora towel, she was estatic. "Mommy!" she exclaimed, "did you get this towel for MEEEEEE?"

"Yes sweetie, I did," I replied, "I got it for your swimming lessons that start next month."

She was so happy, and laid the towel over her lap like a blanket. I just let her think it was new. I didn't want her broadcasting to her friends and teachers that her mommy took stuff from the donation pile. Not that I think what I did was wrong or anything, but I was still a bit embarassed. Ya know?

Gracelin continued to love the towel the whole way home. She would lay it out so she could look at the picture, and then inspect every inch of it. Suddenly, she noticed that there was another name written on the tag.

"Mommy! Why is there someone else's name on MY towel?" she demanded.

I didn't have a good explanation. "I don't know sweetie."

Then she added, "And why is there a hole in MY new towel?"

I looked at her face in the rear-view mirror. She had figured things out and had a look of disapproval. DOH! I'd been caught - she knew it and so did I.

I guess next time I steal from the donation pile, I need to cover my tracks a bit better.

"Baby" talk

Bryn is saying new words everyday, and she is such a riot. I suppose that technically she's still a baby, but you'd never know it by listening to hear speak. I just want to document some of the cute things she is saying for posterity, because those things are too quickly forgotten.

Yesterday in the car, she was counting. From the backseat, I hear her slowly counting:

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -5 -6 - chicken

G and I broke into a fit of laughter - I could barely drive. Only later did I realize that to Bryn, the words "seven" and "chicken" are pronounced in much the same way.

Yesterday, she was far too excited to be getting dressed. As soon as her clothes were on, she wildly ran around the house exclaiming "shirt!" "pants!" - which really isn't that funny - until you realize that she pronounces them "shit!" "plants!" - with perfect diction.

Whenever we meet someone, whether it be someone we know or a stranger, Bryn has to make the introductions. She'll point to me and say "das a mommy", then to dad, "das a daddy", then to g "das a Gacie", and finally she'll pound on her chest and proudly proclaim "Binney".

Lately she wants to go to bed, and will cry for her "bees" (bee blanket) so she can lay in bed. And all of a sudden she's become such a wonderful sleeper {{KNOCK ON WOOD}} that I just lay her down, say good night, and leave the room without another peep. Sometimes in the night though, she'll wake up. She'll call from her room funny things like "I need a mom" or "Binny need dink". Usually all I have to do is take in a drink of water, and she'll go right back to sleep. And its really only once or twice a month - so she's gotten better. (it makes me wonder if she was just waking up to nurse because she wanted me - but that's a whole other post)

I love my little monkey. Her tantrums are getting better too, and she's so loving and sweet. She gives the best hugs ever (and that's saying a lot, considering she's competing against G). She loves to eat too - especially spicy food and beans. She'll drink salsa right from the dish. Bryn is a funny girl, and I really think she's got a crazy sense of humor. She definitely keeps our family laughing.

I love my kids, but . . .

. . . they're going to be the death of me. If I don't die of embarrassment, I'm sure something else will do me in.

G is at the age right now where she's bound to say something that makes me want to hide my face. For example, what she did to me on Sunday: We had barely sat down in the pew at church when she announced that she had to go potty. So, I took her. But, she insisted on going herself. I stood outside and held the door. She had a bit of difficulty maneuvering herself and her fru-fru Easter dress, and ended up peeing on herself and the floor. I cleaned up the floor, then ran her home to change clothes. We were back at church only 15 minutes late, but a few minutes later, she had to go again. This time Daddy took her. After she was finished, she came running back to tell me, in her loudest almost-3-year-old voice "I didn't pee on the floor this time!" I could hear snickers coming from 3 rows back.

And then there are the embarrassing things she does while playing. The girls got several rubber duckies for Easter this year, and ended up with 2 big ones and several little ones - naturally a mommy, daddy, and babies. I watched her playing innocently. She'd lined them up, and was pushing them as they "swam" across the kitchen floor. So sweet. Then I watched as she picked up a pencil and began stabbing the big blue ducky. I asked her what was going on, and she told me "the mommy duck is mad at the daddy duck, so she's killing him with this pencil!" Ahhh! I hope she doesn't play like that at daycare. People are going to start to wonder what goes on at our house.

Oh, and did I mention a few weeks ago, when I was signing the girls in at daycare. G asked me if I'd remembered to wear my panties that day. The director peeked around the corner and laughed (I'm sure wondering if I often forgot my panties).

I guess being the mommy of a preschooler means lots of embarrassing moments. Good thing she's such a sweetie.