Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Baby lust

On my lunch break today, I ran to the store to pick up a couple of last minute items needed to make my Thanksgiving food assignments. Walking out of the store, I saw a woman walking in with the most beautiful baby. You know the type - a baby so cute that it makes your uterus ache. I've actually been experiencing a lot of "uterus aching" moments lately. For some reason, I've got a serious case of baby lust. And I've got it bad. Despite the fact that it makes absolutely no sense for us to have another baby, I want one. Logically I know that I shouldn't, and probably never will have another biological child, but it doesn't stop me from yearning. Perhaps its a feeling that plagues all women in their child-bearing years. I remember my mom saying several times growing up that she always felt like she was supposed to have one more child. Am I the same way? Am I always going to long for that child who could have been mine? To live my life with the regret that I should have at least tried?

I've actually been thinking about getting pregnant again so often, that I sat down an made a list of pros and cons - to actually see if it did indeed make sense for us to try and have one more baby. Here's the list that I came up with:


1. I'm old. Chances are, that I'd be 35 before I ever conceived and/or gave birth, and the odds of birth defects would be significantly higher. Not that I wouldn't love a special needs child, but I'm not gonna lie - it would make life much more challenging.

2. Pregnancy is difficult, especially for me. Between the hyperemesis (puking every single day), blood pressure issues, pitting edema, pre-eclampsia, and weight gain, I don't know if I could physically handle it again.

3. The weight gain. How I managed to gain 65 pounds with the first baby and 75 pounds with the second baby, while puking up almost every single meal that I ate the entire pregnancy, remains a mystery. But with my upward trend, I'd be on track to gain 85 with this baby, and that would be awful. I've just about lost all the baby weight now, and it would be difficult to gain it back.

4. Financial reasons. We can barely afford daycare for 2 children. Adding a 3rd child would almost certainly mean that either Ben or I would need to stay home, and I don't know how we'd afford that.

5. Emotional reasons. Some days, I can barely handle the 2 kids I have. They're really great kids too, but I get so overwhelmed sometimes. A 3rd just may push me over the proverbial edge.

6. Numbers. Everything is nice and even around my house, just the way I like it. There are 2 kids and 2 parents. No one is outnumbered. And my house only has 3 bedrooms. Where would another child sleep?

7. My girls are more grown up. Bryn is almost potty trained, and G is starting school next year. I'm not sure I want to start all over again with bottles and diapers, and night wakings.

8. More on the numbers. My first baby was 6 pounds 2 ounces (at 35 weeks). My second baby was 9 pounds 2 ounces (at 38 weeks). Does that mean a 3rd baby, if carried to 40 weeks, would be 12 pounds 2 ounces? I think I'd die (its not totally unreasonable - my brother was an 11 pounder)


1. The chance at having a boy. Poor Ben is seriously outnumbered in the house - even our cat is a girl. Some days, the estrogen is running so thick you could cut it with a dull knife. A boy would be good to even things out a bit - besides, Ben's such a sports freak. He would love someone to teach football/baseball/basketball/golf/etc to.

2. I really want another baby.

3. I really, REALLY, want one.

Ok, so I'm stretching a bit to come up with more pros - obviously on paper it doesn't make sense to try for another baby, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to try. We've talked quite a bit about adopting a child from a Russian orphanage, and I'm certainly open to that possibility someday. But I also really want to have another biological child. Despite the fact that my pregnancies were awful, I had the most amazing birth experience with both babies, and I'd love to do it again. But I'm afraid I'll just have to dream about it.

Edited to add another pro:

My adorable babies. Doesn't the world need more babies this cute?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Against the grain

I've always been just a little bit different than most people. Its not something that I consciously do, but my thinking is usually not in conformance with the majority. In high school, I embraced it, and proudly labeled myself as a "nonconformist". I liked being different (I don't think I was totally strange though) and took opportunities to prove how unlike most people that I was. I thought it made me "cool". Now that I'm an adult, I definitely don't try so hard to be different, but it still happens: my way of thinking rarely aligns with the majority.

It has become very apparent recently with the whole "Twilight frenzy", that seems especially crazy in the LDS community here in Utah (Stephanie Meyer, the author, is LDS). It feels like everyone and their daughter (and their dog) has read the books an average of 2.76 times, and haven't even cracked the cover. I haven't even through about buying the books. In fact, I have absolutely no interest in reading them.

I actually love to read too. In college, I majored in English for the first 3 years. I actually wanted to teach literature. (I changed my major after 3 years because I became disillusioned with the English department, but that is for another post). I'm a fast reader too, and as a kid, I'd check out stacks of books in the summer. Its pretty common for me to finish a novel that is hundreds of pages long in one day because I just can't put it down - although many times that meant staying up until the wee hours of the morning. Of course, back then, if I stayed up until 3am, I could sleep until noon. Now, no matter how late I stay up, I still get up by 7am (I have 2 cute little alarm clocks that make sure I don't oversleep). And honestly, that is the main reason that I don't read much right now. I simply don't have the time to devote. I have a long line of books right now that I'd love to read, and Twilight isn't even on the list.

But also, I have little interest in the subject matter of Twilight - the love story between a high school girl and a vampire. The vampire part sounds good, but I doubt I could get through the drippy, sappy love stuff. I'm not a big fan of the whole romance genre.

I am not saying this to put down anyone, or to say that I'm better than anyone who reads the books. In fact, I think its great that so many people love the Twilight series. I'm just not one of them. And just in case you're wondering, I've never read Harry Potter either.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Simplify life

I've been thinking about this post for awhile, but I just can't seem to find a way to word it. So, I'm just going to write. Here goes:

Lately, I've been feeling a sense of of foreboding - almost impending doom - about the state of things in my life. Maybe its the economy - I don't know. But when I think about the economy, or money in general I start to get serious anxiety and I don't know why. It isn't like me to worry. But even just this week, I read in the news that Ben's employer is planning to layoff 10% of its workforce, and I get the news at work that they're will likely be no raises this year (but at least layoffs are their last resort). Some days, I literally fight the urge to just run away from it all. I want to get out of suburban hell - to sell everything we have, and find some small home in a small town away from everything. Somewhere that we can have a little bit of land to grow a large garden and to find a life that may be simpler.

I have this romantic notion that somehow I'd enjoy life a little more if we could just stop worrying about mortgages and insurance; TV; stressful jobs; etc. To just focus on our family. To live in a small town, and have not much more than each other. That sounds nice to me. I've actually been reading a blog about a man who has done just that - he has quit his job, and selling everything so that he can just live his life. (I'd link it, but he just recently went private) I don't want to be that drastic, but in a way it sounds nice.

I must go through this every once in a while I suppose, because last year about this time I was applying for jobs in remote places like Kalispell Montana and Palmer Alaska. I even interviewed for a job in Moab - would that have been nice - but I turned down the second interview out of fear that I'd actually get it.

I actually started ripping up the sod in my dinky backyard so I could plant some fruit and veggie bushes in the spring. Perhaps I can bring a bit of simple to me.

Monday, November 17, 2008

If the walls had ears

The following conversations may or may not have gone on inside the walls of my home recently:

Mommy: Please get your toothbrush out of your bum.

G: Did you know that if you stick up only your middle finger and leave the rest of your fingers down that you don't believe in Jesus Christ?

Bryn: Can I eat salsa for breakfast please?

Mommy: Boogers are for blowing into tissues, not eating for dinner

Daddy (to the girls): I'll let you stay up late, but only if you want to play Rock Band with me. Otherwise, you have to go to bed.

Mommy: Princesses don't poop in their pants.

Bryn: My favorite part is when Gabriella and Troy dance in the rain.

Mommy: Please get your toothbrush out of your sister's bum

G: I would be sad if I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus

Bryn: I love to eat poison apples. Unless they are the poison apples from the middle of the road with ants crawling all over them. That is yucky.

Mommy: Don't sick your toothbrush in your nose!

G: I gotta stop eating this candy so I don't get fat like mommy.

Mommy: I'll let you stay up late to watch a movie, but only if you keep your eyes closed.

Bryn: NO! I don't want to eat more candy, I want more SALSA!

G: What? Daddy doesn't like football? I do NOT believe it!

Mommy: Toothbrushes don't go in your ear either.

Bryn: (as she was watching a Disneyland sing-along after being promised she could go to Disneyland after she pooped in the potty) Mommy, look at all those people who poop in the potty. Good job peoples!

Mommy: Way to go girl! We stick toothbrushes in our mouths. Only our mouths.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Always shave your legs: A cautionary tale

Its the middle of November in Utah - well past swimsuit and shorts weather. So, naturally, I've taken a break with the shaving of my legs. The only time my legs even get seen is when I'm in my running shorts - and I only wear the shorts in the privacy of my own basement. Except that today was almost 60 degrees. Anxious to take advantage of the "balmy" weather, I donned my running shorts and stepped outside for a nice long run.

The weather was perfect, and I was loving my run. I had the iPod on, and was totally in "my groove". My pace was perfect and I was feeling great. I'd gone about 1.5 when, out of no where, I realized that I was being chased down by a dog - a fast-moving border collie that resembled Doxie. Before I knew it, the snarling beast had latched its sharp teeth right into my left calf.

Immediately I stopped running and, luckily for me, the dog's owner had witnessed the whole incident. He called back the dog and asked me if I was alright. I actually didn't have any pain in my leg, but I looked down and the blood had already run down to my ankle. The entire family had been putting up Christmas lights, and they saw the entire incident. The 3 kids were crying, and mom was frantically trying to find a first-aid kit. They asked me to come inside the house to get cleaned up. Blood was running down my leg, and I was a freakin' mess.

I was actually pretty traumatized, and couldn't stop shaking. As I stood on the family's porch waiting for Mom and the first-aid kit, I kept thinking that I was so grateful we had gotten rid of Doxie a few weeks ago - I had feared she would do a similar thing. This dog even looked like Doxie.

Mom finally came with the first-aid kit, and insisted upon cleaning the wound for me. As I stood, she knelt on the ground and wiped up the blood. I was so embarrassed -my white leg was badly in need of a sharp razor and my dry skin needed some exfoliation and lotion. I think the lady was too mortified to notice the sad condition of my winter leg, but I couldn't focus on anything else. Having her touch my leg was more embarrassing than being attacked by the dog.

I finally got bandaged up and went on my way. I wasn't really thinking too clearly - I just wanted to get back to running. But I just couldn't. My heart was still racing, and I couldn't find my pace. I alternated slogging with walking back home, and decided to call it a day.

By the time I made it the 1.5 miles back home, I had completely bled through the bandage. In fact, 3 hours later the wound was still actively bleeding. I also couldn't remember the last time that I'd had a tetanus shot, so I decided to make a trip to InstaCare.

Thankfully there was no wait at InstaCare and they got me right in (that isn't always the case on a Saturday afternoon). The nurse and tech couldn't tell if I needed stitches or not, so the doctor had to come in and consult. All three of them were gathered around my leg (my sad, white, hairy leg), poking and prodding to determine if it needed stitches.

Ultimately, they decided that I had a deep puncture wound to one of the main blood vessels in my leg, but they didn't want to stitch. The doctor thought that the active bleeding was a good thing - that it would keep the wound from becoming infected as bite wounds have a tendency to do. They cleaned me up, gave me a tetanus shot, and sent me on my way with a 10 day course of antibiotics "just in case."

I went home and promptly shaved. I then put a healthy coat of sunless tanner on my leg. Although no one will probably see my legs for months, at least I feel better about myself.

And just in case anyone is wondering, my leg is ok. It is sore tonight, still bleeding a bit, and is terribly bruised, but I'm ok. It doesn't even hurt to run, so it shouldn't affect the Vegas 1/2 that I'm planning to run in a couple of weeks. I am feeling a bit conflicted though about calling animal control. I have the paperwork from the doctor that I'm supposed to send to animal control, but I haven't done it yet. I definitely don't want the dog to go after someone else, but I felt badly for the family. I also have to include the address on the form, and since I wasn't in my own neighborhood, I don't know the family's name or address - so I'd have to go by and get it. I know I should, and I plan to in the morning.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Life without caffeine - day 1

I'm pretty sure that all of my blog readers are familiar with my latest drama - the saga of my weight loss. It is pretty much the only thing that I've blogged about lately (sorry about that - I do have some Halloween posts yet to get up. Maybe I will actually post before Thanksgiving) Yesterday I asked for some advice because I'm desperate, and y'all totally pulled through! I got some great advice - on Monday I'm going to totally revamp my diet and exercise plan.

But today, I decided to go "cold turkey" off the sauce (aka caffeinated beverages). I know it doesn't make sense that diet soda should affect my weight - I actually totally agree with Chelsea's comment that it has no calories and that caffeine is an appetite suppressant. But somehow for me, it makes a difference. Maybe it is just serious water retention that it gives me (I still have problems with edema since my huge problems from being pregnant), or maybe it slows my metabolism. I really don't know. But I do know that I lose weight easier when I'm not drinking it on a regular basis. (I also run better, sleep better, and have more energy overall).

So - I did it. I made it completely through today without a caffeinated beverage. And honestly, it hasn't been that bad physically. I haven't had cravings at all. I've thought several times today that a diet soda sounded good, but I was totally able to resist. I also haven't had any headaches. I have, however, been a raving bitch: moody, impatient, and pretty much unpleasant to be around. Of course, my (not so) dear Auntie Flo is here for a visit, so that my be a factor, but I think that my body is none too happy about the lack of its daily fix. I am excited to see if I've lost any weight when I weigh in the morning ;)

Overall, I'd have to say that today was a pretty good day. I only at 3 small pieces of the girls' Halloween candy, and I had salad for lunch and dinner. I didn't get a chance to exercise, today, but that means I should be nice and rested for a long run tomorrow. Bryn woke up with a wet diaper, but other than that we had zero potty accidents, and we were at lots of stores today.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I need a new plan

If I ever found a genie in a bottle who gave me one wish, it would be that I could eat whatever I want but still be super model hot. Wouldn't that be perfect! To never feel like I'm depriving myself of the yummy thing in life and to have that muffin top gone. (basically to have my highschool self back)

Did I mention in my last post how unfair life is? I think I did, and at least most of my readers agree with me (thanks for backing a sister up!) that life just isn't fair. In fact, since I wrote that last post, my husband has lost even more weight while I've gained 4 pounds - 2 of which happened to be over night! How do I gain 2 pounds while I sleep? Am I sleepwalking to the kitchen or something?


Needless to say, my current plan of trying to watch what I eat and to run when I have time isn't really working anymore. I need to "change things up" and do something drastically different. The problem is, I don't know what else to try. I need suggestions, ideas, etc. Please girls, tell me what works for you! How have you managed to keep the weight off? What are your little secrets? I may even be willing to try legal drugs at this point (although I have considered meth - have you seen how skinny those stung-out people are?)

I am in the process of doing one very drastic thing: I'm trying to kick the diet soda addiction. I'm a pretty serious addict, so the whole cold turkey thing wasn't an option. But I'm slowly reducing my intake. I only drank 1 today - I'm trying for nothing tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Life isn't fair

Anyone who reads my blog knows that my weight is a constant struggle.  I'm always trying to eat healthy/deny myself/work out/cut calories . . . etc.  And to no avail.  I have managed to drop a few pounds, but I still have much more weight to lose.  A couple of weeks ago, I got discouraged, and decided that maybe it just doesn't matter.  I gave into some of my sugar cravings. I indulged in Halloween candy.  I ate some pie.  It tasted delicious.  Then I stepped on the scale and realized that I'd gained 5 pounds in just a few days.  Now I have even more weight to lose . . .
Enter my dear husband.  Last Thursday he decided that he wanted to lose some weight.  He exercised once, ate smaller and healthier portions, and stopped drinking diet Dr Pepper.  He's already lost 7 pounds in 5 days.  This morning when he got out of bed, he looked as if he had lost even more weight over night.  He was noticibly thinner.  I'm not trying to say that he hasn't tried - because he has tried hard.  But no harder than I've been trying for the past 2 years, and he's lost more in 5 days than I have in 5 months.
Please someone tell me how life is fair!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Do you believe in the afterlife?

I've always believed in the afterlife.  It is comforting to believe that we simply "pass" from this life into the next.  But I believe in it for other reasons than just comfort - I have had several experiences in my lifetime that have made me feel that our spirits still live after our body dies. I'm not going so far as to say that I'm psychic, or even "sensitive", but I have had several instances where I've felt/seen/heard spirits, ghosts, or whatever you want to call them.  I had one such instance last night.
I had just gotten the girls out of the bath.  We were on my bed getting dressed.  Like we usually do, we were laughing, singing, and even wrestling a bit.  The girls were happy and having fun.  I had a very strong impression that my grandfather was there watching - I didn't see him or anything, but I felt his presence strongly.  He loved little children - most especially his own grand and great-grand children - and I'm sure he would have loved being a part of our playtime.  I probably wouldn't have even given my feelings a second thought, but Bryn did something that confirmed my feelings.
She stopped her jumping on the bed, and came over to me to give me one of her big bear-hugs (she's practically famous for them).  She told me that she loved me, but then looked past me and said "I so sorry that your grandpa died."  She then looked back at me, and gave me another hug.  The doorway was to my back, and Bryn appeared to be looking at something in the doorway.  I even turned around to see what she was looking at, but there was nothing there.  I think she saw my grandpa standing there.
I love knowing that he is still watching out for me.