Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Baby lust

On my lunch break today, I ran to the store to pick up a couple of last minute items needed to make my Thanksgiving food assignments. Walking out of the store, I saw a woman walking in with the most beautiful baby. You know the type - a baby so cute that it makes your uterus ache. I've actually been experiencing a lot of "uterus aching" moments lately. For some reason, I've got a serious case of baby lust. And I've got it bad. Despite the fact that it makes absolutely no sense for us to have another baby, I want one. Logically I know that I shouldn't, and probably never will have another biological child, but it doesn't stop me from yearning. Perhaps its a feeling that plagues all women in their child-bearing years. I remember my mom saying several times growing up that she always felt like she was supposed to have one more child. Am I the same way? Am I always going to long for that child who could have been mine? To live my life with the regret that I should have at least tried?

I've actually been thinking about getting pregnant again so often, that I sat down an made a list of pros and cons - to actually see if it did indeed make sense for us to try and have one more baby. Here's the list that I came up with:


1. I'm old. Chances are, that I'd be 35 before I ever conceived and/or gave birth, and the odds of birth defects would be significantly higher. Not that I wouldn't love a special needs child, but I'm not gonna lie - it would make life much more challenging.

2. Pregnancy is difficult, especially for me. Between the hyperemesis (puking every single day), blood pressure issues, pitting edema, pre-eclampsia, and weight gain, I don't know if I could physically handle it again.

3. The weight gain. How I managed to gain 65 pounds with the first baby and 75 pounds with the second baby, while puking up almost every single meal that I ate the entire pregnancy, remains a mystery. But with my upward trend, I'd be on track to gain 85 with this baby, and that would be awful. I've just about lost all the baby weight now, and it would be difficult to gain it back.

4. Financial reasons. We can barely afford daycare for 2 children. Adding a 3rd child would almost certainly mean that either Ben or I would need to stay home, and I don't know how we'd afford that.

5. Emotional reasons. Some days, I can barely handle the 2 kids I have. They're really great kids too, but I get so overwhelmed sometimes. A 3rd just may push me over the proverbial edge.

6. Numbers. Everything is nice and even around my house, just the way I like it. There are 2 kids and 2 parents. No one is outnumbered. And my house only has 3 bedrooms. Where would another child sleep?

7. My girls are more grown up. Bryn is almost potty trained, and G is starting school next year. I'm not sure I want to start all over again with bottles and diapers, and night wakings.

8. More on the numbers. My first baby was 6 pounds 2 ounces (at 35 weeks). My second baby was 9 pounds 2 ounces (at 38 weeks). Does that mean a 3rd baby, if carried to 40 weeks, would be 12 pounds 2 ounces? I think I'd die (its not totally unreasonable - my brother was an 11 pounder)


1. The chance at having a boy. Poor Ben is seriously outnumbered in the house - even our cat is a girl. Some days, the estrogen is running so thick you could cut it with a dull knife. A boy would be good to even things out a bit - besides, Ben's such a sports freak. He would love someone to teach football/baseball/basketball/golf/etc to.

2. I really want another baby.

3. I really, REALLY, want one.

Ok, so I'm stretching a bit to come up with more pros - obviously on paper it doesn't make sense to try for another baby, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to try. We've talked quite a bit about adopting a child from a Russian orphanage, and I'm certainly open to that possibility someday. But I also really want to have another biological child. Despite the fact that my pregnancies were awful, I had the most amazing birth experience with both babies, and I'd love to do it again. But I'm afraid I'll just have to dream about it.

Edited to add another pro:

My adorable babies. Doesn't the world need more babies this cute?


Anonymous said...

I love this blog. I'm dad & runner and all that too. This is great stuff. I think you'd get a kick out of my blogg.
Check out the one on running and balloons for my wife. I'll be back for more!

The Rose Family said...

Hello??!! Your babies are so cute they make all of our collective uteri ache! Still, I understand the urge. I'm currently in the middle of waiting to see if the birth control that I'm on worked last month or not and I actually caught myself thinking it wouldn't be so bad having another. My daughter is only 5 months old. Let's hope the pill works!

Julia said...

Oh man. I hurt just reading this because I REALLy want to and think I SHOULD have another baby. Right now isn't a great time, but I don't want Landon being an only kid. And yes, boys are awesome and you guys make some great little babies. But I'm in the same I really want to start all over, esp, because I've given most baby clothes away now (thinking Jeff was firm in no more babies). I didn't even have a bad pregnancy....But still I have to think there might be one more little spirit up there waiting to yell "MAMA! ME POOP!"

Joni Lusty said...

My mom always said the same thing. And Christie, you are right - who are you to deprive the world of another beautiful baby! ;)

pithydithy said...

I completely understand what you mean. No matter how long your very practical list of cons, the "I want a baby" pro can seem to outweigh them all.

Omgirl said...

I hate to throw out the spiritual card here, but have you prayed about it? When it comes to a decision that's back and forth like that, logic pitted against emotion, sometimes asking for guidance is the only way to put your internal argument to rest for good.

I know I'm going to have a hard time coming to terms with concluding my childbearing. So I am really counting on KNOWING when I'm done so I don't always second guess myself. I hope the Lord will help me out with that.

Jeremy and Molly Horn said...

Christy, You are more then welcome to come and get Truman anytime you want. Just to have a little baby fix.

Kim said...

Hey Christie, I haven't chatted (blogged) with you for a very long while. For that matter, I haven't been blogging much period.

For some reason I was checking up on some blogs tonight and I ran across yours and this posting.

I just wanted to tell you that I TOTALLY have been where you are. I went back and forth for almost two years doing exactly what you are doing. I would list all the PROS and CONS, I would pray about it and would feel good about the answer that we settled upon. THEN.... something would happen. Like someone saying something like, "don't you have another child?" or "I had a dream you had another baby last night." Things like this would happen all the time, which would make me question myself and the decision that was made.

Finally, I had a friend that told me that I had every right to just outright as the Lord what I was to do. So I did. I went to the temple, and just asked - point blank. I was scared. I was feeling old. I was scared about some health problems that I was going through and how a pregnancy would effect me, I could go on and on. However, when I left the temple it was very clear to me that another baby was waiting to come to our home.

I had really mixed feelings. I had a 9 year old and a 5 year old. Things were REALLY comfortable. Well, I now have a 14 week old baby girl. Days and nights are hard, especially when you have to go to work the next day, but I know we are being blessed. I know that someday I will sleep again, and that things will be "comfortable" again. I'm not lying, it is really hard. But... I know she is supposed to be here, and it will be worth it.

Sorry this is so long, but I just really understand how you feel. Your babies are beautiful!

I wish you the best with this. Hang in there. I don't know what else to say.... You will know. You will know.


tiburon said...

I totally think the world could use another mini - you :)

Kristine said...

Yeah, your babies are stinking adorable! G wants a brother, doesn't she? ;)