8 month birthday

Tomorrow Gracelin will be 8 months old. Where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday she was that tiny, red, skinny thing, that more resembled a baby bird than my daughter. Now she is an active, healthy, and bright girl who is fascinated with the world. She's so curious - I just love to sit and watch her as she learns.

Lately she has been fascinated with her body. She'll sit an watch her hand as she grasps a toy. She will grab her feet, ears, hair, nose, etc almost as a blind person would, exploring every inch. Gracie sits up well, and rocks back and forth like she wants to move but doesn't know how. She watches other babies that are mobile with awe - I don't think she's quite figured out that she could do those things. She has excellend hand/eye coordination, and picks up anything within her reach without effort. She has learned to wave also. Yesterday when I went to get her from day care, she was still in her crib. She had awoken from her nap, but was just quietly laying there not making a sound. When she saw me, she smiled and waved. She gives me hugs and kisses too. Her way of kissing is a bit unconventional. She'll grab your face with both hand, and come at you with her tongue out. Gracie is also a wonderful sleeper. Last night she was so tired - I couldn't get her into bed fast enough. Once I layed her down, she just closed her eyes and never made a sound.

She is such a sweetie.

My little girl

Gracelin had a difficult time going to sleep tonight. Usually when I put her into bed, she either goes right to sleep for fusses herself to sleep. Rarely does it take her longer than 5 minutes to sleep. Tonight, however, she screamed when I layed her down. I let her stay for a few minutes, but she was completely hysterical. I know that I should just let her cry it out, but I figured between the fact that she has been sick and she started a new day care today, she probably needed a little extra TLC. So, I went in, picked her up, and rocked her. SHe just melted in my arms. For awhile she just laid there and watched me - I think she was happy to have mommy holding her. Eventually she fell asleep, and I held her for the longest time. I never rock her to sleep - and she never sleeps in my arms. It felt so good to hold her. It didn't matter that I had one million other things that needed doing (Christmas cards, wrapping presents, working out, making bottles for day care, etc) - all I wanted to do was hold her. I laid my face down next to hers and felt her breath on my cheek. All my emotions welled up inside me, and I realized that nothing else that I had to do really mattered. I loved her so much that I cried. For the longest time I just held her, and rocked her, and cried. It felt amazingly good.

Eventually the cat came into the room. Since Gracie came home from the hospital the cat has stayed clear of her. But tonight, her curiousity got the best of her. She sat on the bed and contemplated the jump from the edge of the bed into the crib. After much deliberation, she did it. I decided that I needed to get the cat out of the crib before she got too comfortable. So, I finally put Gracelin to bed and took kitty with me.

But now, I have no motivation to do my other things. Christmas cards will wait for another day.

The ironies in life

Yesterday I got a call from my daughter's day care provider. She was obviously upset on the phone. She told me that I needed to come immediately to pick Gracelin up, because she was about to have a nervous break-down. I left work to got and get my 7 month-old baby, who was already on her third day care provider. When I got there, Julie (the day care provider) told me that she was through - she wasn't going to baby sit any more.

For those of you who know me, you know that this is a huge blow. Day care is hard to come by where I live and work. I live in a smaller town, and work in the same town. There is only one commercial day care, and the waiting list is huge. I have been on it since I was pregnant with no luck. Obviously I was frantic wondering who was going to watch my baby, as I don't want to leave her with "just anyone" but at the same time have to go to work. I was beyond pissed with my provider, but more than that, I was terrified that I would't find anywhere for Gracelin to go.

Luckily, I was able to take her with me to work, and I began calling around. I did find a center with an opening, but it was 11 miles away - which is 44 extra miles per day to drive. I kept looking. In despiration, I called the center whose waiting list I'd been on for almost a year. They had a postition that just opened up. I raced over there and signed Gracelin up.

She'd been going to Julie's for almost 4 months, and for that entire time, the main road was closed because the state DOT has been installing a traffic signal, and I'd had to detour every day. I noticed that the road was open on my way home that night.

Debt

I hate being in debt. It is an all-consuming feeling - like I am ready to be swallowed under in shark-infested waters. My husband and I have been trying so hard to pay off our debts so that I can one day stay home with my baby girl. It just seems like there is always something standing in our way. Like our car - our piece-o-crap Saab that we paid $1000 for. Granted, it was a low price for such a car, but it was still too much. We have probably put 3x that much back into the car, and we've only owned it for 6 months. Just today we had another $460 repair - after a $500 repair last week. Just when it feels like we may be getting ahead, we have to pay more for that stupid car.

So, we decided today that we are going to trade it in and see what we can get out of it. I hate having to go further into debt for another car, but we do need something reliable to get to work. It isn't feasible for us to share a car, and we live too far away from public transportation for that to be an option.

My husband

I realized that I don't talk about Ben very often. Lately it seems we don't have much time for one another. It is completely unintiontional with all there is with caring for the baby, but I has taken a toll on our relationship. When I do mention him, it is usually a complaint about him, and I started to worry that anyone who reads my blog may get the wrong impression. I do love Ben - he is a wonderful husband and father.

We had such a fun weekend. Saturday was his work Christmas party. It was fun to get dressed up and to have an evening alone. (I love Gracelin, but sometimes it is nice to be out without her). We ate a nice dinner, and then had fun dancing - bumping and grinding (he promised me that no one gets fired because of behavior at the Christmas party). I could barely keep my hands off of him. After the party, we walked around downtown. It was cold and slightly snowy. The shops had Christmas displays up, and the trees had lights. We walked around holding hands, and even made-out in public like teenagers. I felt like I was in some ultra-cheesy made for TV Christmas movie. But, we had fun. It was like we rekindled our friendship again. I think we need that to get through the day-to-day stuff.

Move over Scrooge!

Something has happened to my Christmas spirit. It is missing, but I must admit that I haven't been looking very hard for it. I know that I should be trying to make Christmas the most magical time for Gracelin, but I just don't have the energy. I have done some shopping, but since money is tight this year, our purchases are minimal. I decided that I will not decorate my house at all. My basement storage room is full of Christmas decorations. Ben's family owns a craft store and they make their own nutcrackers. I have probably 100 nutcrackers in my basement - and they are going to stay in their boxes for another year. I also decided that I wanted a custom decorated tree a couple of years ago. So, I handpainted dozens of wooden ornaments. They are in their boxes too. Ben worked in college putting up Christmas lights, and is a semi-pro at it. But, he got out of having to do it this year. There will be no lights up at our house. Nor will there be wreaths, garlands, or snowflakes.

Bah humbug!

The one thing I have been doing is listening to Christmas music. I love Christmas music. I have pulled out my CDs and have them in my car and at work. I also sing in the church choir, and we are performing the Sunday before Chrismas at church - I'm even performing in a special number that day.

Between my semi-depressed state and incredible fatigue, I'm just lucky to get the stuff done that I HAVE to do every day. I don't have time for anything extra. Maybe next year.

Hello, my name is Christie and I'm a chocoholic

I posted earlier of my attempt to shed baby fat. Well, I have been failing miserably. In fact, I have gained weight! 6 pounds. So, I made some resolutions the other day on what I was going to do to help lose weight. They are as follows:

1) Eat no refined sugars
2) Minimum of 20 minutes of cardio per day
3) Minimum of 10 minutes of strenth training per day
4) Take brief, 5 minute walks throughout the day to keep up metabolism
5) Drink more water and less Diet Cherry Coke

So, here's how I've been doing:

1) Didn't eat any sugars until today. Today, I ate 2 chocolate donuts (does this equate to roughly the 600 calories needed for breast feeding?)
2) Have done the cardio ONCE in the past 5 days
3) Have done strength training twice in 5 days
4) Haven't taken any brief walks; however when I go to the store, I park way in the back of the lot and walk in
5) I'm just drinking regular Diet Coke today - I've at least eliminated the cherry flavoring.

My biggest vice is that I am totally addicted to chocolate, which is funny because I hated chocolate before I got pregnant. I think I could have resisited the donuts today had they been glazed. And why . . .WHY . . . couldn't I stop at just one? I haven't eaten 2 donuts in one day since I was a kid.

I have a serious addiction.

Bah humbug

I am going to boycott Christmas - well, not actually ALL of Christmas, just the decorations part. I am not going to put up one single decoration in my house this year. I can barely keep up with what I have to do - cleaning, laundry, etc. I don't have time to decorate - nor do I have the energy! Gracelin won't miss a thing.