There is no other word to describe how I'm feeling today, other than BLAH. I'm not sure why - Christmas is over, and we survived. I should be very happy about that. Both of my kids are healthy right now, which is something that hasn't happened in months. And Ben and I are even getting along (mainly due to the fact that I allowed him to convince me that what he read in Yahoo is true - that couples who have sex at least 3 times a week are more healthy). But for some reason I'm just, well, for lack of a better word . . . BLAH.
For one thing, I'm working this week. I suppose someone has to be in the office, and since I still have no vacation (a result of being used up for maternity leave and sick kids) I had no choice other than to be in the office. But is so damned slow that I'm dying. Have you ever heard the term "bored to tears". Well - its a fact. One can truly be bored to tears. I'm just about at that point now.
But, I think my feelings are more than that. I'm very unhappy with my appearance lately. I think it would be safe to say that I hate how I look. I'm the epitome of the frumpy, ugly mom. I've never been a super "glam" type girl anway. I'm more earthy. I haven't had my hair cut or colored since Gracelin was 11 months old, which is almost 2 years ago. So, I've got long scraggly hair with really bad roots. On top of that, I ran out of my makeup sometime in the summer and haven't bothered to buy more. So, my skin looks sallow and quite old - partially from the winter weather, but moreso from my extreme sleep deprivation. My eyes are constantly baggy and heavy. I'm quite the sight.
Then, there is the issue of my weight. For anyone who is a regular reader of my blog (I think there may be a couple of you out there) you'll know this is a constant source of stress in my life. I used to be quite thin, but now I really struggle with my weight. This December has been really bad for me. I gained 7 pounds this month because I just cannot stop myself from gorging on all of the holiday goodies.
Finally last night I decided that I am giving up the junk once and for all. I don't even enjoy eating it most of the time, yet I cannot stop myself. So, today so far I've eaten:
a bowl of 6 grain cereal (whole oats, wheat, barley, sunflower seeds) with skim milk
taco salad (with whole wheat flour tortilla)
diet dr pepper
I just talked to Ben on the phone, and he picked up a pizza for dinner. I'll probably be alright if I just eat a piece or 2. I'll make some steamed veggies to eat with it, and maybe top the night off with a warm cup of sugar free cocoa. I am still breastfeeding afterall.
I know that I need to do something to change myself. I've never really been "pretty", but my "style" worked for me since I was thin and athletic. Now that I'm carrying around 30 extra pounds, I just look like a lazy and frumpy mom.