Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Who am I
Have you ever wondered why you never see pictures of me on my blog? Well, in case you have, let me tell you why: I hate pictures of myself.
Overall, I'm a confident person. I know that I am an intelligent person. I do my best to be kind, honest and good. I am a good mother and wife, a good employee, and hopefully a good friend. I also know what I am not: thin, beautiful, attractive. And looking at pictures of myself reminds me of what I am not.
I haven't always felt that way about myself. I used to be thin and cute. I used to spend hours working out and eating right, going to the salon and tanning bed. But then I had babies. And I got busy. Somewhere along the way I stopped taking care of myself. I haven't had a hair cut in over 18 months (let alone any kind of color or style) I bite my fingernails and pick my toes. My eyebrows haven't been plucked in years. I rarely wear makeup. And despite every effort to run and eat right, I'm 30 pounds overweight.
I'm a freakin' mess.
Today I was reading a post by the wonderful Pithydithy about body images, and it made me start thinking - really thinking - about me. She linked a website called The Shape of a Mother, where women post pics of their post-baby bodies, and then try to convince one another that they are still beautiful. But, are stretch marks beautiful? What about the muffin top that gets left behind after a 9 pound baby has been in there? In a perfect world, we should all love ourselves for who we are inside, despite the cellulite and jello-like jiggly tummy. I wish I could wear them with pride - instead they make me feel self-conscious about myself. Some days, I feel like it defines my personality because I feel so insecure about my appearance.
I want it not to matter. I want to keep pictures of myself with my kids (instead of deleting them the minute they're uploaded). I want to feel confident in my own skin, and to love my body.