Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Who am I


Have you ever wondered why you never see pictures of me on my blog? Well, in case you have, let me tell you why: I hate pictures of myself.

Overall, I'm a confident person. I know that I am an intelligent person. I do my best to be kind, honest and good. I am a good mother and wife, a good employee, and hopefully a good friend. I also know what I am not: thin, beautiful, attractive. And looking at pictures of myself reminds me of what I am not.

I haven't always felt that way about myself. I used to be thin and cute. I used to spend hours working out and eating right, going to the salon and tanning bed. But then I had babies. And I got busy. Somewhere along the way I stopped taking care of myself. I haven't had a hair cut in over 18 months (let alone any kind of color or style) I bite my fingernails and pick my toes. My eyebrows haven't been plucked in years. I rarely wear makeup. And despite every effort to run and eat right, I'm 30 pounds overweight.

I'm a freakin' mess.

Today I was reading a post by the wonderful Pithydithy about body images, and it made me start thinking - really thinking - about me. She linked a website called The Shape of a Mother, where women post pics of their post-baby bodies, and then try to convince one another that they are still beautiful. But, are stretch marks beautiful? What about the muffin top that gets left behind after a 9 pound baby has been in there? In a perfect world, we should all love ourselves for who we are inside, despite the cellulite and jello-like jiggly tummy. I wish I could wear them with pride - instead they make me feel self-conscious about myself. Some days, I feel like it defines my personality because I feel so insecure about my appearance.

I want it not to matter. I want to keep pictures of myself with my kids (instead of deleting them the minute they're uploaded). I want to feel confident in my own skin, and to love my body.

12 comments:

Cadance said...

You look beautiful in you picture!

use those thought to motavate yourself! I do! I don't believe their is a "look" you have to be after you have kids...you can still be just as HOT as before! It just takes more dedication and time management! It is easy to want to look good for others but you have to personally be your own motavater...or else it will never stick! I think some people use having kids as an excuse as to why they look the way they do...it does not have to be that way...I think we as mothers need to put ourselves on our to-do list...it will benifit our family in the long run!

You are beautifl...and should put more pics of yourself up! =)

carrie said...

Oh Christie...I am with you on this post. :o) I am really hard on myself, too. I used to put so much time and effort into my appearance, and my priorities have totally shifted. I love not spending lots of time on makeup and stuff...don't get me wrong!! ha ha BUT...I think I'm ugly in every single picture and I think I am so weird looking now. I think I have totally changed....body, face, etc. Most of the time I don't care that much, but like you said....when I see the pictures, I am rudely awakened. ha ha I could tell you tons of good things about yourself...but I know it matters most how YOU feel. If you figure out something that makes you feel better, then please share it with ME!! :o) I do happen to think you're fabulous though. I've always admired you for your strengths. You do have a beautiful smile and I've always thought you were stylish and adorable. I hope you have a good day.....and we really, really need to reschedule our dinner. Maybe next weekend....the first weekend in May?? Let me know. (((HUGS)))

Ruhiyyih Rose said...

I agree that you should put more pics up - you are a beautiful woman!!

I was not comfortable in my own skin until I started running. I figured that if I was putting effort somewhere, anywhere - than the rest of me would catch up. The results have not been that I'm a size six, but rather more toned and I can run a long time :) But, I feel better about myself.

I have not had any kids yet though, so I know that I will go through a season of struggling with my body again. In the meantime though, my size 14 body is going to sport a two-piece on my cruise next month :)

You go girl!

LisserB said...

One flaw that I have, that bothers me to no end, is that I can be very, very shallow. I tend to have split second "shouldn't be wearing...needs to do a ,b or c to look better" judgements about people. I never say what I might be thinking (unless it warrants it...like food places it shouldn't be, or mascara halfway down a face, etc), because I usually try to get to know the person to see their inner beauty, which always shines through to the outside.

All that just to say that I have never once thought of you as unattractive. You are physically attractive and you are definitely beautiful in spirit and personality.

I also once heard someone say (ironically, I think it was on a weight loss commercial) that she was deleting herself from her families memories every time she deleted the pictures. Because of that, I don't delete any pictures, even the bad ones. Something else I once heard is that you will never get to the end of you life and wish you had less pictures...

*hugs*

Heather said...

Thanks for being so honest. I feel completely the same way. It's been really bugging me lately. I came across a bunch of old pictures from high school and it really got me thinking. On one hand, I feel depressed that I don't look like that (and why should I? That was like ten years ago, long before I carried a baby). But on the other hand, I want to just punch myself for thinking I was ugly or fat back then (what the heck was wrong with me?!!) - I was gorgeous and didn't appreciate it. Now I'm not saying I don't have my flaws now, but I wonder if someday I'll look back and wonder again why I was so hard on myself. Anyway, thanks for your post - I love your blog because it makes me realize that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do about a bunch of things.

Zach said...

Okay, I'm going to try and be as appropriate as I can as a happily married man who's stalking your blog (and several others, of course)... um... how do I say this? You ARE adorable. There, I don't think that was over the line, was it? Yeah, anyway...

carrie said...

Hey Christie...This is a TOTALLY random comment, BUT there was something I forgot to tell you. Your comment on FB about The Weepies the other day got me listening to them, and now I'm obsessed. ha ha THANK YOU. :o)

Lindsay said...

Give yourself a little credit - you ARE beautiful! You are not alone, EVERY woman struggles with this, it's a life long battle. There are days or months when I just settle and I'm satisfied and then days or months when I can't stand myself! You are NOT a freakin mess, take more pictures of yourself and you will soon get used to seeing what other people see - a beautiful YOU!

pithydithy said...

I, obviously, am totally feeling where you are coming from. But your entry does really bring home the "we are our own worst critics" thing because I have always thought (from those rare pictures you post in which you make an appearance!) that you are exceptionally attractive! Seriously. At the same time, I just so know what it feels like to have almost no time for yourself. I keep hoping that this is one of those things that will eventually get easier as children get older. But maybe not...maybe it's just an unavoidable part of the responsibilities of adult and parenthood and aging. How depressing.... But at least we're not alone. That somehow provides me with perverse solace.

PS-- I am so thrilled to be called "wonderful" that I can hardly stand it. It almost makes up for my stomach flab and caterpillar eyebrows (have you seen the videos of Susan Boyle? Mine look like that).

pithydithy said...

PPS-- I just realized that comparing my eyebrows to Susan Boyle's-- and, hence, making fun of her-- makes me a really terrible, evil person. I mean, here I am bemoaning my own aging and appearance and trying to reassure myself that it's okay, and I make fun of someone else. Gah.

devri said...

YOu beautiful put them up. Me ugly no put them up!!!

do you like my fob grammer(fresh off dah boat!)

Omgirl said...

I know you didn't write that to solicit compliments. But I'm going to give you one anyway: I consider you one of my most beautiful friends! I think you have the prettiest face. Ok, maybe you're not loving your post-baby body. Who does? I don't. But you should still feel confident in knowing you are beautiful! If you don't like your body...just do head shots! That's what I do! :)