Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Lost love

I’ve been kicking around the idea of this post for a few days – and after reading Julia’s post about her first love, I’ve decided to post about mine. I’ve been thinking a lot about him lately because the other night I had a dream about him. It was a really good dream with a very happy ending (if you catch what I’m alluding to). The next morning I googled him, and I found that he lives just a few miles from me. I also found that he’s on a cycling team, and actually competed in the same race my brother rode 2 weekends ago. I found his picture too with his cycling team – and he was in spandex. He still looked really good too - I love a man in spandex. (My brother says that I’m a cyber stalker – but don’t most women google old boyfriends? I know he’s not the first I’ve looked up.)

I was pretty boy crazy through my teen years and early 20s. I had my first kiss at the ripe old age of 14, on the stage at church after a youth activity. The boy was named Joe, and I really liked him. We talked on the phone for hours. But he wasn’t my first love. Good thing too, because he is in jail now for murder, and all of his teeth have rotted out of his head because of a meth addiction.

Freshman year of college, I dated a guy on the gymnastics team named Brandon. He was cute and fun, and was even the first guy to see me naked (TMI?), but he was more of a fling. We spent so much time making out, that I never got to know his personality.

I was even (sort of) engaged at 19. That boy was named Sam, and he was by far the hottest guy I’d ever known. We had the date set – May 25 – on which we were going to elope to Vegas. Luckily, a few months before that, I realized that he was psycho (maybe it was the fact that he was actually committed to a mental hospital?) But even he wasn’t my first love.

I met Darin in August 1995, at the beginning of my junior year of college. I was cleaning out my car following a road trip, and he walked by. We struck up a conversation, and pretty much instantly became friends. We lived in the same apartment complex, just a building apart. I fell for him pretty hard and fast, which was easy to do because he was amazing. He was smart, kind, and athletic – and he had these blue eyes that I’ll never forget. I remember too, the day we were sitting on the couch in my apartment, supposedly studying, when he said “I love you”. I loved him too – I had for a long time before that, but it took me a week longer to be able to say those words back. I was scared for some reason. I think I tried too hard to make things perfect, and instead messed things up. He broke up with me in January right after Christmas break, and I was pretty much devastated. I was pretty sure he was “the one” before that, and I took it hard.

I think that he maybe had someone else he was interested in, because I saw him around a few times with another girl. He was married by the next summer, and coincidentally ended up being neighbors with my brother and his (then) wife. Good thing for me, I had another boy come along pretty quickly after who was also amazing and fun, so I wasn’t sad for too long. But I will never forget Darin.

I even wrote him the cheesiest of all cheesy poems that I actually still remember:

With you I’ve shared my smiles, my tears
Entrusted you my greatest fears.
But you my friend may never know
Exactly why I need you so.
You’ve touched me deep, into my soul
Without your love I’d ne’er be whole.
And if I tried my whole life through,
I’ve never quite give back to you.
The strength that you have given me
To be myself – to finally see
The love I’ve got to share, to serve –
To give to you what you deserve.

Ewww. Good thing I grew out of that. I actually gave that to him too – I still envision him dying laughing the moment I left the room.

I’m pretty sure I married the right person. Without Ben, I wouldn’t have Grace and Bryn – and they are pretty much the 2 best things I’ve ever done. Without question, I know that I was meant to be their mommy. But sometimes I still wonder “what if?” I sometimes hope that I run into him again, so that I can apologize for being so horrible. I wonder if he even remembers me?


Mindi said...

hello, you wouldn't be a girl if you didn't think about these things. that's why the boys have it so easy....they don't.

i'm sure he remembers you. and don't worry about looking him up--you only have to worry when you find yourself camping out in front of his work with little versions of him you made out of the hair from his brush...

Heather said...

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who Googles their exes. For me, it's merely curiosity - I don't regret the end of those relationships or want them back. I'm married to the right one. But I like to know if I'm doing better than my exes too - I know it's petty, but it amuses me.

Lindsay said...

Don't wonder "what if" I spent too long in my marriage wondering "what if" And if I finally hadn't stopped I know it would've ruined my marriage. Forget it and "Love the one you're with!"

Kari said...

Yikes.....I don't know what else to say. The ambivalence in your post is a little concerning?!

Chelsea said...

I have actually kept in touch with all of my exes. I appreciate the things I learned from those relationships and they are still a part of the person I am. But I am really glad they all ended and I don't forget the reason they are exes. :)

Julia said...

I love that you were brave enough to post a cheesy poem. I have several...and I even have a few framed collage pics of me and the first love floating around (one he actually gave back too...ugh).

I am of the opinion that I don't have one soul mate. I think I could have married a couple of my boyfriends and made it work. Things may have been better on some ends than they are now, but they would have been worse on other ends. For me you have to decide whose issues, flaws, baggage, quirks etc that you can put up with and then just keep trying. I know I've had serious doubts about marrying and then staying with (eternity, not thanks) Jeff. But in the end I know I'd just drive some other guy nuts anyway, so might as well give it a shot. :)

By the way...you dated some serious crazies...no teeth? mental hospital? I think you made the right choice. :)

Anne Marie said...

It's so weird to think of all the ways your life would be different with someone else, or if you hadn't happened to meet the person you ended up with. You should write a book about your exes. I'd buy it!

carrie said...

I'm with Anne Marie... I think you should write a book. I would buy it, too. :o) You're life is so interesting!! I know how it is to question things, too. (all too well...) What Lindsay wrote is so true. If you live in the past...it will just ruin your marriage. It's hard though...I know. You are brave to write about it. Hope you're doing well!!

Omgirl said...

I went through a phase a couple years into my marriage when I wasn't happy and looked up all my old boyfriends online. I even called one of them. Kind of weird of me probably. But like Julia said, imaginging the what-if's is futile. You never know what other, bigger problems you might have had with them. Better to stick to the problems we know than run to the ones we don't. But I know what you mean--fantasizing about it is really fun sometimes!

Lynita said...

That is so funny, cuz I have thought it a time or two, the what if thing. But I think you are married to the right person and Ben is a cool guy! I am also married to the right man, who knew it would all work out!