I’ve been kicking around the idea of this post for a few days – and after reading Julia’s post about her first love, I’ve decided to post about mine. I’ve been thinking a lot about him lately because the other night I had a dream about him. It was a really good dream with a very happy ending (if you catch what I’m alluding to). The next morning I googled him, and I found that he lives just a few miles from me. I also found that he’s on a cycling team, and actually competed in the same race my brother rode 2 weekends ago. I found his picture too with his cycling team – and he was in spandex. He still looked really good too - I love a man in spandex. (My brother says that I’m a cyber stalker – but don’t most women google old boyfriends? I know he’s not the first I’ve looked up.)
I was pretty boy crazy through my teen years and early 20s. I had my first kiss at the ripe old age of 14, on the stage at church after a youth activity. The boy was named Joe, and I really liked him. We talked on the phone for hours. But he wasn’t my first love. Good thing too, because he is in jail now for murder, and all of his teeth have rotted out of his head because of a meth addiction.
Freshman year of college, I dated a guy on the gymnastics team named Brandon. He was cute and fun, and was even the first guy to see me naked (TMI?), but he was more of a fling. We spent so much time making out, that I never got to know his personality.
I was even (sort of) engaged at 19. That boy was named Sam, and he was by far the hottest guy I’d ever known. We had the date set – May 25 – on which we were going to elope to Vegas. Luckily, a few months before that, I realized that he was psycho (maybe it was the fact that he was actually committed to a mental hospital?) But even he wasn’t my first love.
I met Darin in August 1995, at the beginning of my junior year of college. I was cleaning out my car following a road trip, and he walked by. We struck up a conversation, and pretty much instantly became friends. We lived in the same apartment complex, just a building apart. I fell for him pretty hard and fast, which was easy to do because he was amazing. He was smart, kind, and athletic – and he had these blue eyes that I’ll never forget. I remember too, the day we were sitting on the couch in my apartment, supposedly studying, when he said “I love you”. I loved him too – I had for a long time before that, but it took me a week longer to be able to say those words back. I was scared for some reason. I think I tried too hard to make things perfect, and instead messed things up. He broke up with me in January right after Christmas break, and I was pretty much devastated. I was pretty sure he was “the one” before that, and I took it hard.
I think that he maybe had someone else he was interested in, because I saw him around a few times with another girl. He was married by the next summer, and coincidentally ended up being neighbors with my brother and his (then) wife. Good thing for me, I had another boy come along pretty quickly after who was also amazing and fun, so I wasn’t sad for too long. But I will never forget Darin.
I even wrote him the cheesiest of all cheesy poems that I actually still remember:
With you I’ve shared my smiles, my tears
Entrusted you my greatest fears.
But you my friend may never know
Exactly why I need you so.
You’ve touched me deep, into my soul
Without your love I’d ne’er be whole.
And if I tried my whole life through,
I’ve never quite give back to you.
The strength that you have given me
To be myself – to finally see
The love I’ve got to share, to serve –
To give to you what you deserve.
Ewww. Good thing I grew out of that. I actually gave that to him too – I still envision him dying laughing the moment I left the room.
I’m pretty sure I married the right person. Without Ben, I wouldn’t have Grace and Bryn – and they are pretty much the 2 best things I’ve ever done. Without question, I know that I was meant to be their mommy. But sometimes I still wonder “what if?” I sometimes hope that I run into him again, so that I can apologize for being so horrible. I wonder if he even remembers me?