Dear "anonymous"

In response to the blog entry I wrote last week about taking a day off, someone left the following comment:

You're always talking about wanting to be a stay at home mom, and how you want more time with your kids. But you sure jumped at the chance to send them off to daycare and stay home alone!

This comment bothered me so much, that I feel compelled to defend myself. First and foremost, I do love my children. And, given the choice I would want to be a stay at home mom. They are definitely the most important thing to me. I do feel guilty though that my kids have to go to daycare. In fact, when I'm not at work I'm with them about 99% of the time. They have never had a babysitter, other than the occasional time that Grandma watches them. But those times are not very often.

I also try and spend as quality one-on-one time with my kids as much as possible. I read to them every day. I also try to teach them something new every day. My girls love to color, so we also try to have creative time. We sing and dance while we make dinner and do chores so that they are having fun. I feed my kids healthy meals, and make sure they're getting physical activity on a daily basis. I actually think I'm a great mom, and my children are very kind, well-behaved (as much as a 1 and 3-year old can be), intelligent, and well-adjusted.

That being said, I am human. And right now, I am under an inordinate amount of stress. There's so much to do that I'm averaging 5 hours of sleep per night. I'm the primary bread-winner right now, which is a huge burden. I'm also the only one who does any cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. around the house. I am the primary care-giver. My husband does help out with the kids, but a good portion of their care also falls upon me. I do all of the budgeting and finances. I do all of the grocery shopping and meal planning. And I'm sure I could add about 20 other things to this list, but I think you get the point. There just isn't enough time in the day to get done all the things that I need to do.

I'm not trying to create a pity-party for myself, nor am I trying to say that I'm any busier or any better than the next person. What I am trying to say is that I am just about stretched as far as I can go, and some days the stress is almost more than I can handle.

I suppose I have been selfish lately though, because I do try to run or do some other form of physical exercise every day. I see this as "my time", and its something I cherish. Usually it means either working out on my lunch break from work, exercising after everyone else has gone to bed, or getting up at 4:15 am to fit it all in. The only real sacrifice has been my own sleep, although daddy has helped out occasionally when I've needed to fit a long run in.

But I'm exhausted - physically and emotionally. So, last week when I took my kids to daycare so I could have a "me" day, it really was something I needed. I needed to have some alone time, and not have to focus on the 1 million things that needed my attention. I needed to take a bath and a nap. I just needed a break from my life for a few hours. Is that too much to ask?

I don't feel guilty. Not one bit. This is the first time in my life that I have ever taken my kids to daycare to just go home and do something by myself. Before you judge me, please take the time to understand who I am. I do not work because I want to - I work because I have to. Maybe sometimes I act like I want to work (and honestly I do like my job so it isn't all bad). But I do not have the luxury of being married to a man who can support his family. In the 6 years that I've been married to him, he's held 9 different jobs. Sometimes I focus on the positive (like thinking that I choose to work) instead of wallowing in my own self-pity for the fact that I simply cannot be what I truly want to be - a stay at home mommy.