I'm married to a sensitive man

Occasionally I hear women complain about their husband's lack of sensitivity. Well - I have the opposite problem. My husband is THE most sensitive person in the world, and he completely expects me to be happy 100% of the time. It drives me crazy. He doesn't understand that it is TOTALLY NORMAL to have a sad day, bitchy day, etc. He wants everything even-keel around the house and it drives me insane. I feel like I have to tiptoe around him all of the time, lest he think I am unhappy in every way. I can't count the number of times he's complained to me that he doesn't feel like he makes me happy. I'm totally content with my life. I have a wonderful family, job, house, friends, etc. But I do have bad days. I'm really a pretty even-tempered person - I don't have a lot of highs or lows. Its funny because my MIL is a very emotionally charged person. My husband grew up around that - you'd think he'd be happy to have a woman who is generally calm all of the time. Maybe I need to start acting a bit more giddy.

It even affects our kids. He'll tell Gracelin to stop crying all of the time. I have to fix it by telling him (and subsequently her) that its ok for her to be sad or to cry sometimes. (I don't put up with whining though). He can't even stand for Bryn to cry. Last night we were both trying to get dinner on the table, and Bryn was getting fussy. He snapped at me to go get her. I tried to explain to him that its perfectly ok for a baby to cry for a few mintues, that I was busy and I'd get her when I was finished making G's dinner. He snapped back that he can't stand to have crying in the house. WTF? He's living in a house with 3 girls and none of us are allowed to CRY?

Someone better give this man a wakeup call. LOL

Maybe we need counselling. I've got some friends in my on-line mommy's group who are going through counselling and it seems like a good idea for us. We agrue a lot. We've even stopped having sex as often - and the funny thing is that its me being turned down too. What a role reversal we have in our marriage.

We do have major communication issues, and it usually results in a big, fat fight. We also fight over the computer all of the time. I like to come home from work and work on my Passion Parties business. My husband likes to come home and play Final Fantasy until the butt-crack of dawn. Finally he admitted to me yesterday that he feels left out when I'm on the computer, which is so silly. If I wasn't on then he would be.

We also have issues with our work-ethics. I'm perpetually busy. I'm not happy unless I've got 150 things going on. I rarely just sit and watch TV and/or relax. I like working and doing things. He likes to sit and do nothing. He gets mad at me a lot that I won't just sit and do nothing with him. I cannot think of anything I like less than just sitting. He thinks I'm a work-a-holic and I think he's lazy. I'm sure the perfect balance lies somewhere in the middle - that we're each too extreme.

Hmmm. I think I'm just rambling now.

I do love him. He's a good husband and father. He helps out with the house and kids more than my own dad ever did. The girls love him. I love him too, but I have to admit I've thought about leaving him on more than one occasion. Sometimes I miss the excitement of dating. (Maybe he and I should become swingers? LOL) Overall though, I am happy with him and I want to stay married, for more reasons then just the kids.

Pectus excavatum

Gracelin has a pectus excavatum. You can see it fairly well in these pictures. (I love the belly button picture BTW) I remember the first time I noticed it. She was around 4 months old, and in the bathtub. I noticed the water was pooling in it, and I was worried she was having retractions. Since it was time for a well-baby check, I asked her pediatrician about it while we were there. He called it a chest dimple and told me it was merely cosmetic, that we could choose to do surgery later to correct it. Since then, I have done some research on it, and it may be more than cosmetic. Some people with severe deformation can have compression on their lungs and heart. That is a scary prospect to me. Sometimes I worry that she'll have health issues (there I go worrying again).

Besides the health reasons, I wonder what it will do for her body image and self esteem. When she's clothed it is not noticible. But what about when she wears a bikini or starts puberty. Will it be more noticible then? I'm sure it will. Its difficult enough for normal children to have healthy self-images during their teenage years. What about a poor child with a physical deformity.

Is that what she has? A deformity? It makes it sound awful. I prefer chest dimple. Afterall, dimples are cute. RIGHT?

My views on breastfeeding

I breastfeed my babies. Gracelin was BF until 14 months. I only stopped then because I was pregnant, and sick. I thought it was the best decision for me and the new baby I was growing. Brynlee is also breast fed. I pump while at work so that my girls can have EBM in bottles at daycare. I've never supplemented them with formula, other than a few bottles in the beginning while my milk was still coming in (much to the chagrin of the Breastfeeding Natzi, er . . . um . . . Lactation Specialist at the hospital).

I love breast feeding. Just this morning my DH commented to me, as I was sitting on the couch nursing Brynlee, that he just knew I'd be glad when I didn't have to nurse Bryn anymore. I'm sure my response was a bit harsh, but I told him that I love nursing my baby. I love the closeness I feel. I love that it is "forced cuddle time". I love that I personally am nourishing my sweet baby, and that she is growing big and strong because of me. I love that I'm providing antibodies towards illness and lowering her chances of diabetes and obesity, among other ailments. The list could go on and on. Let it suffice to say that I LOVE nursing.

That being said, I've never been comfortable nursing in public. At church, there is a mother's room, complete with 4 rocking chairs and low lighting. Even in there I try to keep covered as much as possible. If we are out, I either pump and take a bottle or I nurse in the car. I don't like the stares I've gotten when I try and NIP. Neither of my babies will tolerate having their heads covered while nursing.

I hate that I'm so uncomforable with it. I really wish that I could be more open to NIP. It truly is baby's best start, and I wish I could be more proud. I suppose that I don't make a very good lactivist.

Its funny too that people are afraid of my pump! They whisper in the office about the fact I am pumping. My coworkers stare at my pump as I carry it to the breakroom to wash the components. They will not put their lunches next to the bottles of EBM in the office fridge. Its like everything even associated with nursing is poison or taboo or something. You'd think I was walking through the office topless from the looks I get. Sheesh

Mommies don't get sick

As I've shouldered the responsiblity of caring for my 2 baby girls and 1 baby husband last week while they all fought off nasty colds and pink eye, I've comforted myself with the fact that mommies don't get sick. Afterall, who would be there to care for the babies?

Somehow I missed the memo.

I woke up this morning with my eyes crusted shut, my throat raging, a stuffy nose, and general malaise. I hate being sick, but it especially sucks when I can't just lie in bed and sleep it away. Or take Nyquil. I really miss Nyquil. I've been pregnant and/or breast feeding since the middle of 2003. Thats 3 years without Nyquil. {{SIGH}} I really wish putting myself into a drug-induced oblivion and sleeping the sickness away. Instead, I'm stuck at work avoiding work as I surf the 'net.

Deleloping a fear of the dark

In my younger years I loved the dark. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of nights when I slept with the light on after reading Stephen King into the wee hours. But, as a young adult I loved being outside in the cover of darkness. I loved the comfortable feel of it. It isn't as if I was (usually) out being mischevious. I just liked being outside in the dark.

Lately though, I've develped a fear of the dark. The dark is where bad people live - people who may want to harm my babies. I feel unsafe being out at night - even if its just to run over to the clubhouse to workout. I don't like how it makes me feel.

Its funny what becomming a mommy has done to me. I worry about the silliest things. I mean, what are the chances that something is going to happen in my safe, white bread community?

Teaching a 2 year old

In light of recent tragedies involving small children, I've decided to teach Gracelin a few things to help her out in the event that something does happen. I think some of it is starting sink in. I quizzed her last night, and here's how our conversation went:

mommy: whats your name
G: Gracie H . . .
mommy: what's your mommy's name
G: Christie H. . . .
mommy: what's your daddy's name
G: Ben H . . .
mommy: how old are you
G: 2 (giggles)
mommy: where do you live
G: San Diego

LOL

Oh well - we'll have to work on the address. I've taught her the street name, but for some reason she is obsessed with San Diego and we've never even been there. I think I'd better save 911 for another day too. She's still doing great for 2 years and 3 months.

Bryn is 5 months old!

Brynlee is such a bright and beautiful girl. She has the happiest smile and brightest eyes. She's such a lover - she loves to smile, squeal and cuddle. For 5 months old, she is such a social butterfly, and knows how to make people smile. She also loves her big sister - no one can make Bryn laugh like G can. They're so sweet together.

Brynlee is sitting up now. She does really well and can stay up for a long time. She also loves to be on her tummy, and will rock back and forth. I think she's close to crawling. She scoots all around to find toys she wants to play with. Her favorite things right now are balls. Daddy's convinced she's going to be a little athlete.

Bryn also got her first tooth this weekend. OTher than drooling excessive amounts and wanting to chew on everything, she's really had no other symptoms. It seems I've been blessed with easy teethers. (KNOCK on wood!!)

She also loves solids. Yesterday I let her lick a pear I was eating, and she was in heaven. That was the first fruit she's ever tried, but she loves when I mash her some fresh peas to eat. Her favorite so far though are sweet potatoes. YUMMY! Even rice cearal though is a big hit, although I've noticed as she's tried more foods she likes the cereal less.

95% of the time Bryn is the happiest baby on the block. The other 5% though, WATCH OUT. She's got red-headed temperment. LOL She can escallate very quickly too, so we've learned to meet her needs quickly. As long as we do though, she's an angel.

She's getting prettier by the day too. Her hair is the color of a shiny new penny, and its like thick peach fuzz all over the top of her round head. She's got rosy lips and a creamy, white skin. She looks like a baby doll. And she's so round and squisy - she's got dimples everywhere. She just look like a baby should look. I love her so much.

More than you ever wanted to know about my girls

Is it normal for mommies to have recurrent bad dreams about their babies? I get them a lot, and usually they involve one of my children dying. Morbid I know, but the dreams are so real and disturbing that they occupy much of my though. Lately I’ve been having one where one of my girls falls – usually off of a 1000-foot cliff in Southern Utah’s red rock country. Its so vivid and real that I don’t think we’ll ever be taking a family vacation anywhere in the vicinity of 1000-foot cliffs. I’ve never really talked about these nightmares with anyone else, although I would assume it’s fairly normal for a mother to have fears of losing a child. My girls are so precious to me: I can’t bear the though of losing one. I don’t know how parents go on who lose a child.

Today though, I want to post all about my beautiful babies.

I can’t believe my Brynlee Boo will be 5 months old on Thursday. She is growing way too fast. Part of me is really sad to lose the newborn, but I am excited too for the curious, big girl she is becoming. I’m excited though for the day when she is old enough to play with her big sister – there is such a bond there. Whenever Bryn is sad or fussy, I’ll ask Gracelin to sing to her or make her laugh. It works every time. No one can elicit a smile or belly laugh from the baby like Sister can. They have such a special closeness.

Brynlee is rolling like crazy. Most babies roll tummy to back, and hate tummy time. Not my little Boo – she’s all about tummy time. As soon as her back hits the blankie, she’s rolling over her left side to hang out. She’s starting to push up too onto her knees and rock (did I mention she’s not yet 5 months old?) She’s so strong and determined.

Brynlee is also very alert. She knows exactly what is going on in the house at all times. It makes for a baby that is very often difficult to get to sleep and eat. She’ll only nurse when she’s absolutely starving (which you’d never guess by looking at her) and sleep is very elusive. Daytime naps are few and far between and it makes it hard to stick to a schedule; however by night time, she crashes and sleeps great. She does love solid foods though – its like she wants to be big, and she just loves eating like a big girl. Even rice cereal is a huge hit. She’ll squeal and kick her feet as soon as she knows its meal time. And she has to sit on my lap while I eat – she reached for my plate and quite a few times has grabbed a handful of my food.

Gracelin is a big and bright 2 year old. I can’t believe she’s so grown up. She is a very mature 2 (its like she’s 2, going on 15). She is fully conversational, and sometimes amazes me with the things she comprehends. Right now she is really interested in family relationships. Last night my sister Jen and her husband Tyler were over for dinner. Gracelin said to me that Jen is a wife and Tyler is a husband. LOL Its so funny the things that she thinks about.

She’s starting to recognize letters, and loves finding them. This morning, she puked all over herself in the car (still not over the carsickness, UGH) and since we were 4 blocks from daycare I decided to just run to WalMart and pick up a new outfit. As we were walking in, Gracelin pointed to a sign overhead and said “look Mommy, it’s a letter ‘A’”. And she was right. Yesterday she asked me what my favorite song is. I don’t remember what I even told her, but when I asked her favorite song, she proudly told me “it’s the A, B, C song Mommy”. And then she proceeded to sing it 100 times.

She’s starting to count too, and can get all the way to 13 before she starts getting mixed up. She was counting in the car today on the way to daycare (before the carsick episode) and after 13, said “16 . . . 19 . . .. Christie-teen” and then giggled at her clever self.

She is a stinker though about some things. She is so very stubborn. Eating is quite a challenge since she only has about 5 foods she’ll tolerate. This morning she actually had a glass of fortified orange juice and whole-wheat toast (best breakfast in ages) but yesterday she ate a taquito. She used to eat so well, so I’m hoping this is just a phase, but its lasted for months and is getting worse. There is not one fruit nor one vegetable she’ll tolerate. She’ll try them too, but will spit everything out. She does drink that expensive orange juice for kids and we give her vitamins.

Sleep has become a challenge too. She used to sleep great, but I think she’s begun having nightmares and gets afraid of the dark. Lately she cannot fall asleep unless mommy or daddy is in bed with her. Luckily she’s in a queen so its comfortable. She frequently wakes in the middle of the night too, and we have to go lay with her. I’ve debated letting her CIO, but really I don’t mind the cuddle times. Besides, (as Dr Sears said) she’s not going to come home from the prom and want to sleep with mommy. This phase will likely be over soon enough and I’ll long for her to want to cuddle again. I’d better just enjoy it while it lasts.


Ahhh – my little girls are perfect. I’d better stop myself here, or I’d ramble forever.

Could my family be any cuter?

This was actually taken on Memorial Day, over 6 weeks ago. I need to update. We were at the Great Salt Lake, but Gracelin thought we were in San Diego - any large bodies of water are San Diego. We're leaving for Jackson, WY in a few minutes, and I'll post more then.

Mulling over my defection

I have been journalling over at TLOL for a long time - I think I started in 2002. I've had this blog for a long time as well; however it has not been my love. I like the TLOL community so much as well as the format, and I've found myself posting there instead of here. Besides, it seemed silly to have a blog and a journal. I've got a lot invested at TLOL - over 300 entries that take me from the young DINK to the mommy of 2 that I am now. But lately, the majority of my "friends" over there have moved on, and while there are plenty of others there that I frequently read, I miss so many of the people I originally met there.

So, I'm considering resurrecting my blog.

Am I jumping on the blogging bandwagon? Maybe.

I just worry that I don't have time to keep up a blog and keep up on TLOL. There are many over there that I check on frequently. But, I suppose that I should be most concerned with preserving my own thoughts and feelings instead of being a "cyber voyeur".

LOL

What to do?

Honestly, I'm not as addicted to TLOL as I once was. Perhaps its simply that I don't have the time. With 2 kids and 2 jobs, I barely have time to think some days, let alone "play" on the computer.

There's always the fear too that no one will read. How pathetic am I that my fear of not being liked by a bunch of people I've never met is a driving factor in my decision.

How do you know when you're done?

Two kids is a really nice round number. We have a 3 bedroom home. Our car fits 2 car seats really nice. There's two parents (thus one kid for each parent to take care of). The entire time I was pregnant with Brynlee, I was sure she was the last. I hate being pregnant so much, and really I'm not a healthy pregnant person.

But something happened once she was born. I'm not sure what has caused me to feel this way, but I have a nagging feeling that our family isn't complete. I feel that somehow there's another child for our family someday. Ben and I discussed it, and he's not entirely opposed to the idea. But, he wants to wait until both girls are potty trained until we try. He loves his girls, but I know he'd love a boy too. Ben's such a sports nut. He really needs a boy to pass that along to. Of course our girls can play ball with their daddy, but there's something about having a BOY to do those things with that I think every man wants.

Of couse, I can't put 3 kids into daycare. So, if we do have one more, I'd have to be a SAHM. (the ramifications of this extend well beyond the title to my blog). Obviously we need to make some financial changes before this happens as well.

Then, there's the factor of my age. I'll be 32 this year - which isn't ancient by any standards. But, I have this fantasy of being an empty-nester and being young enough to enjoy it. I suppose there's always the risk of Down's too the older I get.

Hmmmm. So much to consider.

Yesterday Gracelin said to me, "I love my family. They make me happy - my sister and my brother". Ben and I just looked at each other and asked "did she say BROTHER?" Of course she could just have been repeating something she heard at daycare or even the nursery at church. Then again, she could know something that the rest of us haven't figured out yet. LOL Out of the mouths of babes.

So, I guess to sum up my ramblings: We're not entirely certain that our family's complete.

Me = Fatty McFatty

Pregnancy is not kind to my body. At all. My hyperemesis is much worse when I'm hungry, so in an attempt to keep my tummy settled, I eat almost constantly. As a result, I gain lots of weight. Even though I try and eat healthy food choices, too much food is too much. KWIM?

My body looks terrible. I'm almost 50 pounds overweight, and I hate myself for that. My tummy is the worst. Brynlee gave me terrible stretch marks (I guess thats what a 9 pound baby does to a person) and my leftover skin is literally hanging around my midsection. YUCK.

I'm desperately trying to lose weight. Breastfeeding makes me constantly hungry too, so I feel like I'm always fighting with myself. I'm limiting my sugar, fat, and refined carbs. Since I started trying, I've lost 10 pounds in 4 weeks. I know I need more exercise, but having two babies and working a full-time job makes working out almost impossible.

At least my kids are cute (see picture to left LOL)

Wow - I suck at this

I can't believe its been almost a year since my last post. Here's a quick recap of the past year:

We ended up putting our house up for sale, and it sold in only 4 days. Since we hadn't even gotten our new house plans back from the architect yet, we moved in with my parents. Right after we moved in, I realized that I hadn't been feeling well for quite awhile. So, I took a pregnancy test and found out that we were expecting our second baby. This came as quite a shock, since we didn't think that we could get pregnant on our own. But, we were happy.

The news of a new baby changed our plans. We both felt that our decision to build where we'd planned wasn't the best choice. So, we just walked away and found a different lot and started the process to build something a bit smaller and cheaper. I was so grateful to be living with my mom at that time, as I was so sick from the pregnancy.

Our new home was finished in Jan 2006, and we moved in while I was 9 months pregnant. Talk about stress! I was uncomfortable, huge, and totally swollen. My pregnancy was easier than it was with Gracelin, but I still threw up almost every day and I suffered from PIH and pitting edema.

My water broke in the middle of the night on Sunday Feb 19, so we were off to the hospital. Brynlee Mae was born at 2:59 on February 20th (her Grandpa's birthday) weighing 9 pounds 2 ounces. They said she was 19 inches, but by her 2 week well baby check she was up to 22 inches - and I doubt that she grew 3 inches in 2 weeks. That would have been some growth spurt!

So, in the past year we've gotten a new house and a new baby. Lots has changed.

Long overdue update

I’ve been a bit MIA lately. My home computer crashed, and we’re not replacing it yet. So, I can only write at work – and believe it or not, I’ve actually been busy lately. There’s been a lot going on lately. Let me try and catch up:

DH and I put money on a building lot. We’ve been wanting to build a custom home for a long time, and now seems like the perfect time. He got offered a new job, making double what he was. (We don’t plan on having our payments being too much more though.) Also, because I am a city planner and I’m privy to information that others may not be, I learned some interesting facts about the property in my backyard, and I’ve decided now’s the best time to get out. DH and I have been working frantically to get our house ready to put on the market. Two different agents have told us that our house should sell really well – we just need to declutter. I don’t think that it is even that bad, but I’ve boxed up, donated, or thrown out tons of stuff. My closets and pantry look like store shelves – they are so neat and organized. I even folded my towels with the stripe in the same place and stacked them on different shelves according to the color. I think we are almost ready – its official on Friday. Based on the CMA, we are even asking almost 10 grand more than I’d anticipated. Wish us luck!

I’m so excited about this. Our lot is wonderful: up on a hill, overlooking a lake and the mountains. And, there is a park in the backyard. We do have a builder, and we’re meeting with him on Friday to begin drawing up our plans. He’s completely custom so we can decide (within reason) what we want. We also met with the mortgage guy last Monday, and right now we would qualify for both our current mortgage and what we think our new one will be. So, even if our house doesn’t sell, we are ok. I’m hoping it sells quickly though – I don’t want to be housepoor. We plan to move in with my parents until the new house is finished; the longer we can go without a house payment the more we can save for window coverings and new furniture. It sounds almost too good to be true doesn’t it.

Anyway (in other news): I just returned from Arizona. Gracelin and I went down for my cousin’s wedding. I was kinda worried about traveling with an “almost” mobile baby/toddler who is trying to assert her independence in every way. But, she was an angel. She loved everything, from the pool to the dance floor at the reception. The wedding was interesting. They got married in a Catholic church, but the bride is Jewish, so at the reception they did lots of traditional Jewish stuff. The reception was at her parents’ house – who are also millionaires. It was like something out of a movie. I’m sure the bar bill alone was in the $10,000s range. They served the most gourmet food – I bet they had 500 lobster tails. Everything was lavish and extravagant. Their “yard’ was more like a tropical garden and the set-up was amazing. All the tables were made of plexiglass with a linen covering, but then there was a light underneath so they glowed. Every palm tree had a green spotlight on it. Gracelin loved the lights, the people, and the music. I had her in the prettiest pink polkadot dress and she wore jewelry (which I haven’t been able to take off of her still). She was such a showoff, and truly the life of the party.

She really has been the sweetest thing lately. Her latest phrase is “no no no”. Someone at DC must say it to her a lot, because I only say “no” when she’s doing something potentially dangerous or destructive. Yesterday she was unrolling the toilet paper in my bathroom, and saying “no no no” the entire time. She says it anytime she’s doing something she knows she shouldn’t be doing, like pulling off her socks or playing with the TV remote. What a cutie. Her birthday is next week! She isn’t quite walking yet, but she’s close. She crawls really well, and will crawl after the cat for hours. The cat will lay there until G’s almost within reach, then dart away. It’s actually quite humorous.

Well – I’d better get to work. Yuck. Can’t I just be independently wealthy?

To spank or not to spank?

My parents spanked. My dad ruled with an “iron fist” and if I stepped out of line, I knew I was “gonna get it” – no questions asked. I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding spanking, and what it does to a child. I didn’t grow up to be a mass murderer and I still love my parents (in fact we have a great relationship) but I obeyed out of fear. I was a fairly well behaved child and teenager. I was afraid to step out of line, and rarely did. I can only count a handful of times that I truly misbehaved or even talked back. I knew better. Even in high school I rarely stepped out of line (I waited for college for that! LOL) I was too afraid of my dad to do anything wrong. Was I abused – no. Definitely not. But I do believe that spanking can be abuse, depending on the degree of hitting.

I have been thinking a lot about how I’m going to discipline Gracelin when the time comes. Right now she is just so perfect that I cannot imagine her ever misbehaving. But, I’m sure she will. Because the main form of discipline that my parents used was physical, I don’t know anything different. But, I really don’t want to spank. I do not believe that it is consistent. I will teach her not to hit others, but what does that say to her for me to spank her. I really want to parent with positive reinforcement rather than negative reinforcement. At the same time, I want to teach Gracelin to respect others – especially other adults like teachers.

DH and I had a long conversation last night about how we are going to discipline. He doesn’t want to spank either, but that was his parent’s main form of discipline as well. He was spanked and even hit with other objects on occasion – his mother one time broke a broom over his backside. Spanking caused him to rebel against his parents, and he still has issues with his parents today.

I guess I’m just worried that we won’t know how discipline our children because we grew up with corporal punishment in our homes. I don’t want to revert to spanking out of frustration, which is likely for me to do. I have a short fuse and can have quite an explosive temper when provoked. I love Gracelin so much, and never want to make her feel hurt/scared/afraid. I also want to teach her to behave appropriately.

I know the best way to teach is by example, which is a problem. I’m not perfect. It is unrealistic to think that she’ll never see me do or hear me say something contrary to the way I want to teach her. I yell. Sometimes I get so mad at DH that I want to kick him hard (I never do though). But I do work hard to be the best person that I can. I want her to see me working hard. And I do try to be a good and honest person. I hope too that by treating her with love and respect, she will learn to do the same for me.

Even now, I’m trying to teach her every day. I try not to be negative. Instead of telling her “no”, I try to redirect her. Instead of saying don’t do this or that, I try to give her something new to do instead. I also try to teach her to express her feelings. I never tell her to stop crying for example. Instead I hug her and say “its ok to cry when you are sad. But, mommy’s here and she loves you”. I think the structure that we follow helps with discipline, and even now she is learning her routine and what comes next. She knows now that after she gets dressed in the morning that she goes to lay with Daddy while she drinks her bottle. As soon as her socks are one, she wave at the door and ask for Daddy. I believe consistency is key.

Resolving old issues

I think I may be the world’s worst blogger. I read other’s blogs, and they seem so much more interesting. I’m going to try harder to update mine on a regular basis, in the hopes of being interesting. Along with that, I also notice that I introduce a topic, never to resolve it. So, I’m going to try and do better with that as well. So, here’s my attempt at resolution:

Organic milk: Recently I brought up the subject of regular-old cow’s milk vs. organic milk. I decided that organic was best for Gracelin, if for no other reason than the fact that it’s better for the cows. I found a local delivery service that will bring it to my doorstep once a week – and it’s over $1.00 cheaper per ½ gallon than it is at the store. They also bring cheese, bread, eggs, etc. And, I’m buying from a local dairy. I love it! I’ve begun the transition from mommy’s milk over to moo milk for Gracelin, and other than a bit of “plumbing problems” for her, its going well. I’m hoping to have her weaned by age 1 (only 5 weeks away . . . sniff)

RSV baby: She seems to be feeling better, but I don’t think her lungs have fully recovered. She still gets out of breath when she’s playing, and she occasionally wheezes/coughs. Last night she was wheezing pretty badly, but she wasn’t retracting and her respirations weren’t too high so I assumed she’s ok.

My “nether regions”: Everything is peachy down there. I made an appoint clear back when, and it is finally next week. I don’t really have “those” issues to discuss with him anymore, but I want to talk with him about why I’m so tired all of the time. And why my muscles are so sore.
Ok – I’m outta time now, but I’ll try and update more tomorrow

I want an extreme makeover

I didn't watch TV before Gracelin, but lately it seems I'm so tired at night, that all I can do is veg in front of the TV. I saw Extreme Makeover for the first time Monday night, and ever since then, I've been looking at myself in the mirror and wishing I could have an extremem makeover.

There are a few features of myself that I like: my teeth are perfectly straight and all the same size and I have beautiful skin. But aside from that, I am a complete mess. I need a brow lift and eye lift - something to make my eyes less saggy. My nose has a weird bump on it, so a nose job is definitley in order. My chin is slight, and I could use some lipo underneath it. I also need lipo on my flabby arms and back fat (where'd that stuff come from?), my inner thighs, and calves down by my ankles. I'd like my boobs to stand at attention instead of looking down at the ground, so maybe an uplift. And, lets top it all off with a tummy tuck.

I've been so unhappy with my body since having the baby - this show just made it worse. Why do they put such terrible stuff on TV?

Am I failing?

Sometimes I feel like I’m failing as a mother. The problem is that I use my own mother as an example, and I’m nothing like her. She grew up with a mother that was a schizophrenic, alcoholic, drug addicted, abusive, crazy person. Instead of letting that be an excuse to be a messed up person, my mother decided that her children would never live that type of life. My childhood was truly golden. Mom cooked us breakfast every morning, and had cookies baked when we came home. My clothes were always washed and put away. She vacuumed the house every day, cleaned the bathrooms every day – her house was immaculate. She taught aerobics, was the PTA president, and volunteered in our classrooms at school. We had a home-cooked dinner every night as a family. Needless to say, she was a saintly woman – the type of wife/mother I have always wanted to emulate.

Granted Gracelin is only 10 ½ months old, but I’m already losing it. I can’t remember the last meal that I cooked (unless micro waving something frozen counts). I’m so behind on the laundry – it isn’t uncommon to have to get clean underwear from the dryer instead of the dresser. There are seriously parts of my house that I can’t remember the last time they got vacuumed. There is so much dust on my furniture that I can write my name it.

I do try hard. I love my baby with all my heart. The days I work, I only get to spend an hour or so with her, but during that time, I play with her as much as possible. She also gets a bath, a massage, and a story read to her every night before bed. I sing to her, dance with her, and try to teach her things. I am also still breastfeeding her. I feed her healthy foods. I dress her in clean clothes (that sometimes do come straight from the dryer).

I’m just so tired at night. I can barely force myself to do the things that have to be done. But, after that is done, I usually just crash. I’d like to have the immaculately clean house that I grew up in. I’d like to be able to workout every day. I’d like to have time to work on my scrapbooking, or to read a book. And obviously I’d love more time with my baby and my husband.

My poor, sick baby

G's been so sick. She started with a runny nose and slight cough on Friday, but didn't seem to mind. I just thought she had a cold. But, on Sunday morning when I went to get her out of bed, I could hear her wheezing from across the room. DH and I ran her to Urgent Care, where they did a chest x-ray, gave her a breathing treatment, and sent her home.

She seemed to do better for a few hours, but by 1 pm she was having a difficult time breathing. Her respiratory rate was about twice what it should be and she was retracting. This time, I took her to the ER. They again did a chest x-ray and gave more breathing treatments, but this time they also tested for RSV. The culture came back positive. The doctor told me that she was borderline for being admitted into the hospital, but told me he felt comfortable sending me home with her. So, back home we went.

But, a few hours later, she was bad again, so we went back to the hospital. This time they admitted her. They put her on oxygen and the pulse oxymeter. Every hour, they would come in with this long suction tube and put it down her nose to suck all the junk out. I think it was going down into her lungs. Poor baby.
RSV is so bad, because there really isn't any medication they can give that helps. It is just a wait and see thing.

She came home from the hospital yesterday, but by last night, she was taking short, shallow breaths and her fever was up to 104. Every muscle in her body was rigid - I think because she was trying so hard to breathe. Back to the ER we went. This time, they got her fever down to 101, gave her another breathing treatment, and sent her home.

She wouldn't sleep last night unless she was in my arms. Poor baby. We actually did sleep pretty well though - I think because she and I were both so exhausted.

This morning she seems worse again. She can't even breathe well enough to eat. I finally got her to sleep by driving around the neighborhood. She's been sleeping for almost 2 hours. I have a follow-up visit at 2:30 - I wish it was that time now. I just feel so helpless. I know I complained when she was getting ear infections all the time, but at least they were easy to treat. After 24 hours on the antibiotics, she'd be back to her happy self. I wish I could make her feel better.

My aversion to "Pooh"

Personally, I hate all Disney Characters. I have never really liked Disney movies, but I especially hate the little reproductions from the movies. On the top of my all-time hate list, is Winnie the Pooh. Even as a child, I despised Pooh. (I mean, what the hell is a “pooh” anyway, and where are his pants?) But, now that I am an adult, my Pooh hate is rooted deep. It especially bugs me that retailers put his face on perfectly good clothing. I hate it so much, that the Pooh outfits I got at showers either went back to the store or are still hanging in the closet! That being said . . .

I also got a Pooh toy at a shower. It is a stuffed Winnie sitting on a green Heffalump who is also a rocking horse. When you squeeze the Heffalump’s trunk it plays a selection of children’s songs while moving forward with a rocking motion. This toy has sat on Gracelin’s shelf since the shower I got it as a gift. But, DH decided this week that G needed to play with it. She was sitting on the floor as he pulled it off the shelf. Her eyes lit up. She could barely contain the squeals as DH took it out of the box. And then, as he put it on the floor and squeezed the trunk, she started clapping wildly – she was so excited. Guess what her new favorite toy is!

Doesn’t she know that the hated of Pooh is in her genes?

Ugh!